For moms, being judged by others is sort of par for the course in parenting. It starts at pregnancy and pretty much never ends from there. Everyone seems to have an opinion about things from whether we breast or bottle feed to how we sleep train, or whether we think leggings are real pants. (Just for the record, I’m on Team Leggings Are Definitely Pants.)
But now, there's a new sheriff in town to police all your pre-parenting moves: your unborn fetus.
That's right, a genius Twitter account called Judgy Fetus provides all the judgment that you could never imagine possible from an unborn baby. It represents the voice of all babies incubating in their pregnant mom’s bellies, tweeting out judgment in utero.
And it’s freaking hilarious.
Reading the tweets, we can feel the little fetus rolling her eyes in our uterus so hard it almost hurts. Check it out for yourself:
We can talk a big game. Doing something as remarkable as growing a baby inside you makes us feel pretty invincible sometimes. We have nine months to gear up for that Mama Warrior birthing moment. But it takes time to build up that pain threshold, dude. Also, emotions are high. And a stubbed toe still hurts like a mofo, even to a future child-bearing goddess. And here I am defending myself to a fictional unborn baby asshole.
Pregnant women are fully aware that Baby does, in fact, not care that she is kicking our spleen, our ribs, our gall bladder or our asses. Every night. After night. Our bodies are theirs with which to do what they want. Clearly. The kicks vary from startling to wince-provoking to yelp-out-in-pain status. So thanks for bragging about it, Judgy Fetus. Clearly, compassion is learned.
When a pregnant lady sees that image of her baby on an ultrasound, there’s a huge swell of emotion and excitement and in that moment she’ll believe anything she wants to. And it's the just the beginning of going down that proud (sometimes delusional) mom path—thinking your baby is the sweetest, smartest, most likely to succeed etc.
Pregnancy cravings can take over and possess a pregnant woman in an unearthly way. Sometimes, you do go ahead and get the Venti because you just read an article about how stress can be worse for you and the baby’s health than actually indulging once in awhile. And this little judgy f***er knows how to throw a low blow right to the mom guilt.
Maybe it’s the hormones, maybe it’s the extra folic acid. But whatever it is, pregnant women are in a “tender” headspace. They start watching the Hallmark Channel, they repost Anne Geddes pictures of babies dressed like sunflowers, they have Celine Dion songs in their playlists. Whether they were like this before or not, now they are all in with the cheesy. Whether it’s the heart on the belly or the topless family hug pregnancy portraits, the potential to become “that woman” is high. Pregnancy renders your cringe-meter useless.
OK, so pregnant moms can be ambitious (unrealistic).
Hypothetical life with babies is a lot different to living with a baby in real life. It is known that pregnant woman can be unrealistic in their parenting goals and plans. Before kids I was like, "I'm going to cook healthy meals every night so that my kids are sure to love vegetables and only healthy food." Today: My kids are walking chicken nuggets.
Sometimes cravings take over. You feel possessed with the need to devour that Snickers bar, that donut, those Doritos, and it clouds your sense of responsibility until the food euphoria wears off. And that debilitating pregnant mom guilt gains back control. But it's all OK because you know you'll balance it all out later with a turkey sandwich on wheat bread with a side of plain Greek yogurt and banana slices.
I’m not going to lie, I may do the same thing if given the opportunity. Because when you get to that point that gravity has you feeling like a bowling ball is pressing hard against your precious vag, you do what you need to do. For your vag.
All sense of style and well, sometimes dignity go out the door when you’re feeling like crap in those last days of pregnancy. Sometimes it dips as low as Crocs and that XXXL t-shirt you caught from the t-shirt slingshot at a Lakers' Game.
The truth is that sometimes that glow is more like a scary hormonal flush of ugly emotions and desperation and sometimes the only coping mechanism that does the trick is a sweet sweet visit to the McDonald’s drive thru.
Judgy Fetus judges the hell out of pregnant women everywhere and yet its tweets just hit the spot. Because if anyone should have the right to judge, it should be the baby which our decisions actually affect. Not all the other hooligans with their lame two cents.
So keep on judgin' you judgy little bastard, and keep on keepin’ it real. Because although maybe he/she's right and we could do without the McGriddle, we definitely could all use the laughs. I only hope my baby is born with that level of wit and burn talent.