Childbirth is one ugly business. And if your partner is there while you’re doing it, they’ll be all up in your business in ways that no one you have sex with should ever bear witness to. If you think they’ll be spared blood and gore because you’re having a C-section, you can drop that idea. One peek over that blue hospital sheet thingie that divides you from the OB-GYN slicing you open, and it’s a full-on explosive surgery scene. If you’ve seen the movie "Alien," then you know what I’m talking about.
Behold some of the grossest things your partner will never be able to unsee. The good news is that the sight of newborn life is so blindingly awesome, it’ll temporarily delete all the horrors out of your partner’s brain. At least for a little while:
1. POOP. And tons of it, apparently. I had two C-sections so I was spared this indignity in the name of new life, but word on the sheet is you poop everywhere. So much for never shit with the door open. I mean, really? Where do you go from here?
2. Where there's poop, there's PEE. This gives golden showers a new meaning.
3. Let’s not forget PUKE. The pain meds and epidurals can make you puke. The labor and contractions can make you puke. The pushing can make you puke. The thought of what’s happening can make you puke.
4. Blood, everywhere. And not just during the bloody biz of the procedure, but after. And a lot. For days. Yup, your baby wont be the only one sporting diapers. There’s weeks of bloody discharge to keep those first few week all-nighters extra sexy.
Nothing more chic than a clear bag of pee for all to see.
5. MUCUS and not like the runny nose kind. The infamous mucus plug pops like a cork of champagne. This is what covers the cervix during pregnancy. When Baby is ready to pop, the plug pops. It’s like New Years. It can even happen weeks before the baby is en route. This can be one runny, pink or red mess of bodily phlegm. And it can happen anywhere.
6. FART SHOW like no other. If you’re one of those prissy women who never farts in front of your partner, then get ready to break new ground (or is it wind?) Think about all the air that’s stuck up in there. Well, there’s only one way for it to come out, and it’s usually in your doctor’s face.
7. You’re likely to have a CATHETER shoved up your urethra. Nothing more chic than a clear bag of pee for all to see.
8. You’ve heard the praises of eating the PLACENTA but has anyone told you what it looks or smells like? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
9. The EPISIOTOMY is the lovely part where, in layman's terms, the good doctor slices your vaj to make it easier for the baby to come out. To me, this one takes the cake.
10. Except of course for the staples used to clamp you back together.
But trust me, it's all worth it!