Ever since having kids, I've become obsessed with my vagina. I think it started when I was around seven months pregnant with my second kid and taking a shower. I was washing my lady parts when I noticed things felt different down there. Was that my baby coming out? No way, it couldn't be.
Whatever it was, it for sure did not feel like the vagina I knew and loved. The one that didn't feel like massive rabbit ears between my legs. Alas, something was wrong. But I was too scared to look and pretended all was well.
The next shower proved even more interesting. I was washing the other side when I felt more unfamiliar terrain. It was all too horrible and I waited until my next checkup to ask my doctor what were these things coming out of me. Rest assured, it was just my good ol' vagina. Only now, because of the pressure of the baby, it had swelled up like Mt. Vesuvius.
And that small creature poking out of my butt? Oh just pregnancy hemorrhoids that may or may not retract … some day. That day came last year, 10 years later, when I had it surgically removed. But enough about me.
I asked around and my friends chimed in on the worst things that happened to their lady parts post-pregnancy. Let's just say, I made it out OK.
Cutting, snipping, sewing, stapling
If you are of the vaginal birth crew, you are lucky to make it out without having to be sliced and diced and sutured back up. I just heard from a friend whose labia tore from her son's shoulder during delivery that not only did it not get sewn up, it healed terribly, created painful scar tissue, and now years later, she has to have it operated on. Oh, and there will be giant diapers involved too. Bring on the granny panties. Ouch.
Which, no doubt, will have to be cut out if you want your asshole to look like it did during its glory (hole) days.
C-sections seem to have brought upon the worst
I have heard fellow C-section moms speak of a "jelly roll," a "sausage under the scar" and personally, I suffered such horrible seromas each time, that it took over three operations to get that area to flatten out. One friend did lunchtime lipo, then regular lipo and still, she has a massive bulge that prevents her from wearing bathing suits comfortably. The only thing left to do now, the doctor says, is to go in and do some deep reattaching of skin, muscle and some more technical things I'm too upset to research the exact terms for.
You will pee when you laugh, pee when you cough, pee when thinking about having to pee.
A big, old, saggy vagina
Sorry, ladies, you will not have anything close to what you had pre-kids. Your vajayjay will drop, sag, the inner lips might hang and the outer ones will dangle. You might feel awkward in leggings, as it may look like you're wearing a maxi pad. Not saying this happens to everyone, but ... it happens.
You will pee
All the time. Forget about sneezing and staying dry. No way. You will pee when you laugh, pee when you cough, pee when thinking about having to pee. Even with the latest vagina-tightening treatments (I've done several), there will still be a little trickle, unless you have the real vagina surgery.
I have heard about a postpartum "stench"
OK, this one sounds really gross and thankfully I had two C-sections, as this would have really freaked me out, but one friend said it's the thing no one talks about but apparently rivaled my "worst morning breath." Is this true, other vaginal birth moms?! Inquiring minds need to know!
Things getting put back together "crooked"
This is another doozy I heard from several moms. They said their skin was not sewn evenly both in their C-section area and their vaginas. One mom said, "It's actually not a crooked vagina. It's like, literally, a crooked entire abdomen. If you look at my belly from the front, it is tilted. Like they put everything back asymmetrically after my second C-section. It looks like the Joker's mouth." Yeah, real funny.
And before you start to feel sheer terror for your postpartum lady parts, know that in the grand scheme of things, it's all going to be OK. Really. As a wise friend recently shared, "Now, I am 45 with two daughters. One C-section and one home birth later, and my vagina will never be that Playmate-ready version of my youth. But that's OK. That vagina had no idea of the fun that was to come."