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The mom purse: It is
a grab bag of daily essentials for a woman with kids. It is practical and
valuable, and usually heavier than a young antelope. A mom purse is prepared to handle anything—from a heinous poop blowout to tired, hungry tears and to, of course, a few trips to
Yes, there's a lot of stuff in that mom purse. And though most of that
stuff is necessary, some of it could be more accurately categorized as WHAT THE—???
Here are some of those weird things.
This could also be another type of on-the-go snack. But it is
almost always half- or partially eaten. And that's what makes it so "mom purse." It was either you that
has eaten part of it and then rationed the rest as a backup energy source to
help you strap your kid into the damn car seat one. more. time. Or it was your
toddler who ate it halfway, and then ran off to chase a seagull or threw
it at you when she suddenly decided to hate the way it tasted.
2. Approximately 150 old receipts
You've accumulated so many (receipts) that you could stuff a twin mattress with them.
Why are these in our purse? Because we are usually in such a
hurry to pay, gather our recently purchased goods, wrangle our small
children and get the hell out of the store that receipt after receipt is just
haphazardly shoved into the purse somewhere, anywhere until we deal with it
later. And even though you make a mental note to find that receipt and file it
or throw it away (usually the latter) as soon as you get the chance, you are
only reminded of it (and the hundreds of other receipts) when you've accumulated
so many that you could stuff a twin mattress with them.
3. Crushed Goldfish or
other cheese-flavored crackers
Or any snack that has the ability to be pulverized and then finely ground into the lining of your purse that it NEVER COMES OUT. Your purse
becomes one big purse-shaped cracker. Forget Louis Vuitton, you're carrying
around a limited-edition Pepperidge Farm. That's right, no matter how hard you
try, remnants of fish-shaped snacks will remain and show up stuck in everything
from your wallet to the hinges in your sunglasses. Which leads to the next
4. A broken pair of
sunglasses you've been meaning to get fixed
Either these float around in your purse because you forgot
they were there, or because after running all your errands and tackling work or
anything else on your list of priorities, you are too tired to make that last
trek to that kiosk in the mall that doesn't charge you a kidney to fix your
stupid Ray-Bans. And this happens every day for a month or two or until
Goldfish crumbs have infiltrated the case and completely mummified your shades.
5. A half colored-on menu
that your toddler wouldn't let you throw away.
Sometimes it really is a masterpiece, but 9.75 times out of
10, it is a grease-spotted menu from Maria's Italian Kitchen or Johnny Rockets
on which your child has circled something and finished half of the dot-to-dot dinosaur.
She is over the dumb thing in five minutes and really couldn't give two rips about
it until the server tries to clear it away. And then it's tears and halfway
decipherable sobs about how she made that
for you, Mommy and how it's her favorite picture she ever made. So you take the damn thing with you, and
it swiftly gets swallowed up by your mom purse abyss.
6. Happy Meal toys
Every once in a while when times are rough, some moms hit
the drive-thru at McDonald's and get their kid a Happy Meal. And sometimes the
toys suck, but sometimes you're like OMG, let's collect all four! And whether they
suck or not, they end up in your mom purse to combat future rough times, aka I'm going to keep this in my purse so that the next time Junior starts to melt
down at a restaurant, I'll have something with which to distract him (a toy I
don't care about losing). But then when other moms see the toys they are like, "Eww, you take your kids to McDonald's?" And then I discreetly close my purse so
they don't also see my sweet-and-sour sauce stash.
7. A large rock
Kids love to sneak things into your purse that they just can't
live without. Sometimes it's a small toy
or candy bar that you almost accidentally shoplift from Park 'N' Shop. And
sometimes it's a beautiful jewel—i.e., a big-ass rock that they found at the
park that you've been toting around like an idiot for about a week.
8. Expired coupons
You mean well. It's always good to try to save money here
and there. If we could only remember to use the 20 percent off coupons at Bed Bath and Beyond or the 40 percent off Michael's coupon. But often, we don't. And the expiration date comes and goes. And a
decent discount on a salad shooter suddenly turns into nothing more than a used
chewing gum discard paper. No free cotton panty from Victoria's Secret for you!
You can't predict when your child will lose a tooth. So, when he does loose one while biting down
on an onion ring at Red Robin, you wrap it in a napkin and then put it in one
of the inside pockets of your purse. And
then you forget it is there until you one day awkwardly pull out that napkin while
you are reaching for your lipstick and flip your son's tooth across the table
at a restaurant while lunching with your boss and coworkers.