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I know what you're thinking: Great, another article telling me the
secret to a better sex life is buying sexy lingerie and reading "Fifty Shades
of Grey." While there is nothing at all wrong with a bit of silk and lace or an
erotic novel, those are merely the frills of a good committed sex life. Here,
based on 25 years of marriage experience and five years of motherhood, is my no-frills, practical guide
to jump starting your sex life.
Different bedtimes can wreak havoc on intimacy. Even though
my husband gets up for work about two hours before my day starts, we still try
to go to bed at the same time. It's nice to end the day together, especially
since I'm barely coherent when he starts his day.
2. Put sex at the top of your to-do list.
Prioritizing sex makes all the difference.
It may only be a mental to-do list, but we all have
a list of things we need/want to do each day. Prioritizing sex, putting it at
the top of the list, makes all the difference. What's sexier than knowing your
spouse has doing you at the top of his to-do list?
3. Remember you are partners as well as parents.
Parenting is hard work, and I'm glad I have a
husband who is there every day to share the load. But it's easy to get so
focused on the parenting that we forget we're also lovers and friends. He's not
just the father of my children, he's the man I'm wild about. That truth can get
lost somewhere between bedtime and bath time, so we make sure to plan regular
date nights to remind each other.
4. Focus on the foreplay.
And by foreplay, I mean talking. Hey, kissing and touching are great
and I encourage it, but it all starts with communication. I love long
conversations with my husband—it's how we reconnect. But between work, the kids
and life in general, we can go days without having a good, long talk. We've
learned to use whatever means we can to communicate how we're feeling, even if
it means texting each other from different rooms while we're putting our kids
5. Don't compare it to what it used to be.
Comparing quantity instead of focusing on quality is a libido killer.
Here's the truth: We used to have more sex. When the
relationship was new, we were younger, we didn't have kids, and life wasn't as busy and complicated. But it wasn't as good, as intimate or as fulfilling as it
is now. That's the truth. Comparing quantity instead of focusing on quality is
a libido killer. And whenever the situation has shifted and we've had a few
days alone, the sex has surpassed anything we had when we were younger, both in
quality and quantity!
6. Don't wait, initiate.
In trying to be respectful of each other's feelings when one of us was
going through a particularly rough time, there have been a couple of times my
husband and I almost killed our sex life with kindness. He thought I would
initiate sex if I were up for it, I thought he would initiate sex if he was
interested. You know what happened? We didn't have sex! We've learned to talk
through the tough times and found that sometimes sex is the best medicine.
I'm a worrier. I want to fix things. But I've
learned over the years that worrying about whether we're having enough sex, or
whether it's been too long since the last time we had sex, is a sure way to put
me in a bad mood. Letting go, focusing on the overall quality of the
relationship and communicating any issues we're having before they snowball
into a real problem has always led us straight to the bedroom.