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New Year's Resolutions for Parents Who Don't Want to Try

Photograph by Twenty20

December 26 is when it all begins. No, I'm not talking about that mad dash for after-Christmas sales, I'm talking about when we all start making our New Year's resolutions. Lose 10 pounds, eat healthy, drink less, volunteer more—we all have high hopes for achieving our ideal self.

But after having kids it gets harder to keep those resolutions. How can we lose weight when we're eating all the leftover chicken nuggets off our kid's plate? How can we drink less when parenting, by its very nature, causes us to beg for wine by the end of the day? Who cares about stupid resolutions anyways?

I've put together a more realistic list of resolutions for parents that I think we can all achieve in 2016. It'll make us all feel better about not raising the bar and lowering our expectations.

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This New Year, resolve to:

1. Try harder not to lick the ketchup off your kid's face in public.

2. Limit cussing in front of your kids to weekends, for example when frantically cleaning for guests and when that asshole cuts you off on the freeway.

3. Don't leave the house with any articles of clothing on inside-out.

4. Cry only every other time your baby's poopy diaper leaks all over your new dress.

5. Lose 10 pounds … of clutter from your purse.

6. Limit yourself to one glass of wine. Per playdate.

7. Exercise more … than a giant sloth on valium.

8. Drink less coffee. On second thought, don't do this, it's a terrible idea.

9. Drink more coffee. There, that's better.

10. Get better at distressing the store-bought cookies you bring to the school bake sale so they look homemade.

11. Yell less at your kids. On Thursdays.

12. Remove all the old food from your car. Sometime in the next few years.

13. Eat more ice cream without vowing to eat less ice cream afterward.

14. Volunteer more often at your kid's school if they ever need someone to stand on the playground with a Starbucks cup and check Facebook.

15. Limit your kids' screen time ... when they're asleep.

16. Not shake your fist and yell, "Move it, granny!" in the school dropoff line.

17. Not make fake gagging sounds when you enter your teen's messy bedroom.

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18. Eat healthier. JK, eat more bacon.

19. Explore more … of the categories on Netflix.

20. Get more sleep. (There's no catch here.)

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