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Hangover Tips For Busy Moms

Photograph by Twenty20

I just can't drink like I used to. And, let's face it: neither can you.

Back in the day, I could drink as much as I wanted, pop an Advil at the end of the night and be in fighting form the next morning. OK, maybe not fighting form, but I definitely didn't want to kill myself. Well, maybe I did want to kill myself, but it didn't matter because I could just call up the deli down the street, order greasy take-out breakfast and stay in bed the rest of the day.

Not so, now that I'm a mommy. I certainly can't drink like I did, back when I was single and going out every night of the week. These days, I'm pretty much hammered after a second glass of wine.

Don't get me started on the day after that second (or third or ...). Take-out and bed cures are long gone. I'm adulting now. Maximum adulting. I have two tiny humans to take care of who don't really care whether mommy's hungover (and OMG, please do NOT tell your teacher that mommy was hungover on Sunday!).

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There are ways to handle the day after like a pro. Here are a few do's and don'ts. Maybe read them before you agree to a second glass?

1. Do: Pump and dump

Yes, lychee martinis are delicious, but no, your baby will not like them. Yes, I know that fruit is very nutritious, but no, I do not think your pediatrician will see it that way.

Why are you even taking the kids to soccer practice today? You're hungover.

2. Do: Appropriate all Pedialyte, Gatorade and power drinks for yourself

You need your electrolytes more than your kids do. Today is about survival. Besides, what are the chances your kid will need Pedialyte the very day that you are horribly hungover? As for the sports drinks? No one not named Messi ever really needs Gatorade at soccer practice. When we were kids, we walked uphill 5 miles in snow to get to soccer practice and we only drank water from a fountain when we were thirsty.

3. Do: Send the kids out to the backyard so you can lay on the couch and cry

Why are you even taking the kids to soccer practice today? You're hungover. Back in the day, we played outside by ourselves all the time, and we turned out OK. (I guess Except for the drinking.) Your kids totally need fresh air. And you totally need time on the couch. Win win.

Just make the fast food run. It's the closest you'll come to greasy take-out breakfast.

4. Don't: Ground the 'copter, just this once

You do not need to take your kids all over the place to a million different activities like you usually do. We didn't have a million different activities to go to on a Sunday when we were little, and we turned out just fine. (Again, unless your definition of "fine" includes NOT writing articles about being a hungover mommy, and to that I say: stop judging me. I also keep a stash of leftover Halloween candy hidden from my kids, too, but does that make me a bad mother? Are we going there? In this condition? Ahem.)

5. Do: Hit the McDonald's drive-thru

For the kids, I mean, the kids. They deserve a treat, right? They were good all week, you seem to recall. Not really? Come on, a little toy and some apple slices? (The fries are for you. Bonus tip: super size. Just this once.) Whatever, call it an incentive plan for future good behavior. (I was kidding about the apple slices. Get them whatever they want. Just make the fast food run. It's the closest you'll come to greasy take-out breakfast.)

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6. Don't: Admit defeat

You can do this. You really can. After all, you survived childbirth. You are a warrior, albeit tired, headache-y and super dehydrated. Nothing you can't overcome. Now, go kick the kids out of the house, grab a Big Mac and a bottle of Gatorade and plant yourself on the couch.

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