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I just can't drink like I used to. And, let's face it: neither can you.
Back in the day, I could drink as much as I wanted, pop an Advil at the end of
the night and be in fighting form the next morning. OK, maybe not fighting
form, but I definitely didn't want to kill myself. Well, maybe I did
want to kill myself, but it didn't matter because I could just call up the deli
down the street, order greasy take-out breakfast and stay in bed the rest of the day.
Not so, now that I'm a mommy. I certainly can't drink like I did, back when I
was single and going out every night of the week. These days, I'm pretty much
hammered after a second glass of wine.
Don't get me started on the day after that second (or third or ...). Take-out and bed cures are long gone. I'm adulting now. Maximum adulting. I
have two tiny humans to take care of who don't really care whether mommy's hungover (and OMG, please do NOT tell your teacher that mommy was hungover on Sunday!).
There are ways to handle the day after like a pro. Here are a few do's and don'ts. Maybe read them before you agree to a second glass?
1. Do: Pump and dump
Yes, lychee martinis are delicious, but no, your baby will not like
them. Yes, I know that fruit is very nutritious, but no, I do not think your
pediatrician will see it that way.
Why are you even taking the kids to soccer practice today? You're hungover.
2. Do: Appropriate all Pedialyte, Gatorade and power drinks for
You need your electrolytes more than your kids do. Today is
about survival. Besides, what are the chances your kid will need Pedialyte the very day that you are horribly hungover? As for the
sports drinks? No one not named Messi ever really needs Gatorade at soccer practice.
When we were kids, we walked uphill 5 miles in snow to get to soccer
practice and we only drank water from a fountain when we were thirsty.
3. Do: Send the kids out to the backyard so you can lay on the couch and cry
Why are you even taking the kids to soccer practice today? You're
hungover. Back in the day, we played outside by ourselves all the time, and we
turned out OK. (I guess Except for the drinking.) Your kids totally need fresh air. And you totally
need time on the couch. Win win.
Just make the fast food run. It's the closest you'll come to greasy take-out breakfast.
4. Don't: Ground the 'copter, just this once
You do not need to take your kids all over the place to a million different
activities like you usually do. We didn't have a million different activities to go to on a Sunday
when we were little, and we turned out just fine. (Again, unless
your definition of "fine" includes NOT writing articles about being a hungover
mommy, and to that I say: stop judging me. I also keep a stash of leftover
Halloween candy hidden from my kids, too, but does that make me a bad mother? Are we going there? In this condition? Ahem.)
5. Do: Hit the McDonald's drive-thru
For the kids, I mean, the kids. They deserve a
treat, right? They were good all week, you seem to recall. Not really? Come on, a little toy and some apple slices? (The fries are for you. Bonus tip: super size. Just this once.) Whatever, call it an incentive plan for future good behavior. (I was kidding about the apple slices. Get them whatever they want. Just make the fast food run. It's the closest you'll come to greasy take-out breakfast.)
You can do this. You really
can. After all, you survived childbirth. You are a warrior, albeit tired, headache-y and super dehydrated. Nothing you can't overcome. Now, go kick the kids out of the house, grab a Big Mac and a bottle of
Gatorade and plant yourself on the couch.