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7 Reasons You Should Give Zero F*cks If Your Kid Isn't Potty Trained Yet

Photograph by Twenty20

So your kid isn't potty trained yet? To hell with you! What kind of mother are you anyway?


Really, everyone learns to use the bathroom in his or her own time and we all know there are some adults that still "miss" the toilet, so is this really a tragedy? Does it really matter if your kid pees in a pull-up or in the super special Star Wars undies you bought for them? The answer to all these is a resounding NO.

Here are just seven reasons you should care less if your kid still isn't potty-trained:

1. They Won't Wear a Diaper to the Prom

Eventually, your child will get it. He won't be begging you to change his diaper or wipe his butt as he rides off with a girl who looks older than you and like she might have an R-rated Instagram account.

2. Underwear Isn't All It's Cracked Up to Be

Really. Have you ever had your kid complain about a wedgie? Diapers are comfy, cushy and soft. Underwear rides up butts. You'll just love when your kid pulls at their undies in public and another human laughs at your child—or worse—your kid insists these are the "worst underwear" ever.

Yes, that is an ACTUAL thing that children do to their parents in order to torture them. My daughter constantly tells me her undies are too tight or too loose. Meanwhile, they look perfectly fine to me. Argh!

As far as I know, there are no awards for kid first trained to pee and poop on a toilet.

3. There Are No Potty Training Awards:

As far as I know, there are no awards for kid first trained to pee and poop on a toilet. There are no accolades of the sort. There are Nobel Peace Prizes and Emmy's but no Potty awards, so chillax, mama. Who cares if "Mom of the Year" in your mom group potty trained her kids at six months old using behavioral conditioning strategies? Kudos to her. Maybe while she's creating the child version of Pavlov's dog, she'll be willing to come over and train your pets to take care of themselves too.

4. The Porta Potty Stop Is the Worst Thing Ever

I really loved bringing this mini porta-potty around everywhere. It was so much fun doing pee and poop stops every two seconds and always at the most inopportune times. And every mom whose had to sing every single time their kids made a tiny drop in a plastic rainbow colored, cartoon-splashed plastic potty can attest that it's not always fun making those mid-potty stops. Sometimes diaper life is so much easier.

5. No Pool is Safe

Sure, diaper leaks in a pool is pretty gross. But a full on pee in the water because someone is learning how to hold it still is really a joy! You gotta wonder why that water is so warm…

6. Think About the Repercussions

There you are turning red in the face with your gritted teeth looking like an absolute crazy person giving your kid M & M's to make one tiny drop of wee-wee in the potty while your child melts down or quietly wonders what the hell is wrong with Mommy!

Do you really want your child to be permanently traumatized because your friends' kids are already rocking new undies?

No, you don't Sigmund Freud, you don't.

7. Whatever You Do the Result is the Same

No matter what you do, your child will decide when to go to the bathroom and when to ditch the diapers and pull-ups. You can do everything that every single expert tells you to do, but your child will cherish underpants and the porcelain goddess when they are ready, so take a chill pill, mama, and enjoy your diapering days while they last.

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