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10 Kid Parties That Suck for Parents

Photograph by Dariela Cruz

When I was a kid, having a birthday party meant you'd invite five friends over, eat some pizza, play Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Donkey and call it a day. Nowadays, it seems like every weekend is filled with at least two birthday parties and every party is an extravaganza.

It's worse if you've got more than one kid because that means you've got more than one kid's worth of parties to attend. By the time our kids are old enough for drop off parties, we will have been to hundreds of kids parties.

When I plan my kids' parties, I try to make them fun for the adults as well. After all, whichever parent had to schlep the kid to our party is a captive audience with very little to do. Unfortunately, most kid's parties are only fun for the kids. Here's 10 of them.

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1) The Prohibition Party. You may not drink, but I do. If you drag me to a kid's party on a Saturday afternoon, at least give me a cocktail. How else am I supposed to forget that this is the 10th weekend in a row I've been to a kid's party?

2) The Bounce House Party. This can also be "The Bloody Nose" party or "The Most Boring Party For Parents." Or both.

3) The 2-Year-Old Party. It's totally cute to get a bunch of 2-year-olds together for a birthday party, except most 2-year-olds don't want to do anything but beat the crap out of one another. That means Mom's going to spend the duration of the party repeating these phrases, "Use your words," and "Can we share?" Clearly, the answer is no.

It doesn't matter if your kid's party isn't scheduled during a meal time, you have to feed people!

4) The Party At The Park. The only thing you'll do when your kid is invited to a birthday party at the park is run after your kid. Awesome workout, but so is the gym.

5) The Bowling Party. Quickest way to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Quickest way to a broken toe? Go with your kid to a bowling party.

6) The Party That's Too Far Away. Every parent who RSVPs yes to the apple picking party at the orchard 60 miles away will curse the host's name for the entire duration of the drive out there, which will be long. Because the party is too far away.

7) The Party Without Enough Food. It doesn't matter if your kid's party isn't scheduled during a meal time, you have to feed people! Eating just may be the only thing the grown ups actually have to do at the party. Feed them!

8) The Too Long Party. Everyone knows kids parties are two hours total. So don't get cute and make your kid's party longer because that means the rest of us have to hang out, bored, at your kid's too long party.

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9) The Party Scheduled During Nap Time. Your kid may not nap, but every kid on the guest list does. And since you're not going to hang out with my little Crankenstein, please don't schedule your kid's party when my kid will be a totally tired sour puss.

10) The Party Where The Parents Have To Play Along. Sure I don't want to stand around with nothing to do and nothing to drink at your kid's party, but that doesn't mean I want to join in the sing-along or the three-legged race. Kid's parties are for kids. That better not include me.

Image via Dariela Cruz

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