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My Toddler’s Bucket List (If She Had One)

Photograph by Instagram

We all have a bucket list — things we want to do, see, experience in our lifetimes. For instance, I want to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro, learn to play the cello and of course, do the splits side by side with Jean-Claude Van Damme. The list is different for everybody. I’m pretty sure even my toddler has her own version because there are so many things she’d love to do in her toddler lifetime. Here’s what I think my toddler’s bucket list probably looks like.

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1. Pack both nostrils with rolled up balls of bread

No one will even know anything is up there.

And do it without my mom noticing. Stick them so far up my nostrils that no one will see them and lecture me. I’ll be living on the edge, making those dough balls disappear, feeling like David Blaine meets Evel Knievel. I was born an adrenaline junkie. No one will even know anything is up there. But I’ll know. I’ll know that smashed up bread is up there, blocking my nose breathing for no particular reason.

2. Try every “flavor” of mom’s lipstick

I’ve already made it through seven or eight in my 2 whole years of life. I’m pretty sure this one is in the bag. But my mom does purchase lipstick at an alarming rate. I think she’s trying to draw the focus to her mouth and away from her crow’s feet.

3. Give my parents a time out

Sometimes they really do deserve one, and GEEERRRDD, that would feel so good.

4. Go the entire day naked

Like, the entire day. Not just the five minutes before or after my bath. Not just for the few minutes I steal when I run from my mom, mid-clothing change. I want to feel that cool breeze hitting my tushy, unoppressed, unimprisoned by cotton jersey and a scratchy dumb diaper for one, full day.

5. Full, all-day access to an iPad

With a full-time iPad assistant to sit next to me all day and help me when I accidentally close the app or hit the wrong buttons

6. Free reign of the remote control

Caillou and Dora all day long, biatches!

7. Be adopted by Grandma and Grandpa

I creatively visualize this every time my mom says “no” to anything. I know it will happen someday. Have you ever seen “The Secret”?

8. Take my entire Calico Critters collection for a swim in the toilet bowl.

Pool party! My mom’s makeup brushes didn’t know how to party, apparently.

9. Meet Beyoncé

My idol. The Queen Bey. I’ll show her my “Crazy in Love” dance and ask her to sign my Elmo.

10. See Mommy’s face without bags under her eyes

Just once.

11. Drink a whole cupful of my bathwater

I don’t care what she says, it’s not gross.

I’ve managed to slurp in a couple mouthfuls in, here and there. I’m stealth, and mom can’t stop me fast enough even when she catches me doing it. I don’t care what she says, it’s not gross. But it’s not good either, and I don’t really know why I like to drink it. But I want to drink an entire cupful anyway, so leave me alone.

12. Get my hands on a Sharpie

What is it about this Sharpie that the grown ups don’t want me to see? What kind of magic does it possess? I plan to find out.

13. Drive the car

From what I’ve seen so far, you just need to know how to turn the wheel and say “douche bag,” so I think I could probably do it.

14. Throw 38 Matchbox cars down the stairs

Some of them in handfuls, some one at a time. Some will hit the wall on their way down, and some will ride my powerful lob all the way to the base of the stairs.

15. Eat only butter for one whole day

16. See the family room from the top of the coffee table

I daydream about what everything will look like from 27 inches higher up.

To one day see that majestic view. To look down on the world from the peak of the living room. I daydream about what everything will look like from 27 inches higher up. I’ll be like a bald eagle looking down over the wild frontier.

17. Eat the gum off the bottom of the restaurant table in peace

I’ve managed to pluck it from the table on a few occasions, but my mom always freaks out and intercepts. I don’t know why she loses her mind over it, especially when most of those gobs still have some decent flavor left in them.

18. Push every kid off the obstacles at the mall play area

Not in a rude or hurtful way. Just in a “I want these all to myself for once, DAMMIT!” way.

19. Hide mom’s keys in a place she’ll never find them

I do not know how she finds them. Even that time I put them in the tiny dresser in my doll house AND closed the doors. She found them.

20. Rip the flaps out of every pop-up and peekaboo book in the house

I gotta be honest, once you lift the flaps once, the mystere of what’s behind them is gone. So at that point, get those outta there. And why the hell not? Do we live in a museum? Are these children’s books or part of your grandma’s Hummel doll collection? Answer me that!

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21. Stand in a moving grocery cart while throwing anything I want into the cart with me

I’ll start in the frozen treats aisle.

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