We all have a bucket list — things we want to do, see, experience
in our lifetimes. For instance, I want
to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro, learn to play the cello and of course, do the splits
side by side with Jean-Claude Van Damme. The list is different for everybody. I’m pretty sure even my toddler has her own version because there are so many things she’d love to do in
her toddler lifetime. Here’s what I
think my toddler’s bucket list probably looks like.
1. Pack both nostrils with rolled up balls of
No one will even know anything is up there.
And do it without my mom noticing. Stick them so far up my nostrils that no one
will see them and lecture me. I’ll be
living on the edge, making those dough balls disappear, feeling like David
Blaine meets Evel Knievel. I was born an
adrenaline junkie. No one will even know
anything is up there. But I’ll know. I’ll
know that smashed up bread is up there, blocking my nose breathing for no
2. Try every “flavor” of mom’s lipstick
I’ve already made it through seven or eight in my 2 whole years of
life. I’m pretty sure this one is in the
bag. But my mom does purchase lipstick
at an alarming rate. I think she’s
trying to draw the focus to her mouth and away from her crow’s feet.
3. Give my parents a time out
Sometimes they really do deserve one, and GEEERRRDD, that
would feel so good.
4. Go the entire day naked
Like, the entire day. Not just the five minutes before or after my bath. Not just for the few minutes I steal when I
run from my mom, mid-clothing change. I
want to feel that cool breeze hitting my tushy, unoppressed, unimprisoned by
cotton jersey and a scratchy dumb diaper for one, full day.
5. Full, all-day access to an iPad
With a full-time iPad assistant to sit next to me all day
and help me when I accidentally close the app or hit the wrong buttons
6. Free reign of the remote control
Caillou and Dora all day long, biatches!
7. Be adopted by Grandma and Grandpa
I creatively visualize this every time my mom says “no” to
anything. I know it will happen
someday. Have you ever seen “The Secret”?
8. Take my entire Calico Critters collection for a
swim in the toilet bowl.
Pool party! My mom’s
makeup brushes didn’t know how to party, apparently.
9. Meet Beyoncé
My idol. The Queen
Bey. I’ll show her my “Crazy in Love”
dance and ask her to sign my Elmo.
Mommy’s face without bags under her eyes
a whole cupful of my bathwater
I don’t care what she says, it’s not gross.
I’ve managed to slurp in a couple mouthfuls in, here and
there. I’m stealth, and mom can’t stop
me fast enough even when she catches me doing it. I don’t care what she says, it’s not
gross. But it’s not good either, and I
don’t really know why I like to drink it. But I want to drink an entire cupful anyway, so leave me alone.
my hands on a Sharpie
What is it about this Sharpie that the grown ups don’t want
me to see? What kind of magic does it
possess? I plan to find out.
From what I’ve seen so far, you just need to know how to
turn the wheel and say “douche bag,” so I think I could probably do it.
38 Matchbox cars down the stairs
Some of them in handfuls, some one at a time. Some will hit the wall on their way down, and
some will ride my powerful lob all the way to the base of the stairs.
only butter for one whole day
the family room from the top of the coffee table
I daydream about what everything will look like from 27 inches higher up.
To one day see that majestic view. To look down on the world from the peak of
the living room. I daydream about what
everything will look like from 27 inches higher up. I’ll be like a bald eagle looking down over
the wild frontier.
the gum off the bottom of the restaurant table in peace
I’ve managed to pluck it from the table on a few occasions,
but my mom always freaks out and intercepts. I don’t know why she loses her mind over it, especially when most of
those gobs still have some decent flavor left in them.
every kid off the obstacles at the mall play area
Not in a rude or hurtful way. Just in a “I want these all to myself for
once, DAMMIT!” way.
mom’s keys in a place she’ll never find them
I do not know how she finds them. Even that time I put them in the tiny dresser
in my doll house AND closed the doors. She found them.
the flaps out of every pop-up and peekaboo book in the house
I gotta be honest, once you lift the flaps once, the mystere
of what’s behind them is gone. So at
that point, get those outta there. And why the hell not? Do we live in a museum? Are these children’s books or part of your
grandma’s Hummel doll collection? Answer me that!