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Ransom Demands From My Toddler

Photograph by Getty Images

Look, I’m not saying my tiny toddler is the chubby-faced equivalent of a violent sociopath, but he likes to wave knives in my face and scream. Also, the other day, he clutched the iPad in his hands and wouldn’t let go until he could be bribed with candy. We are at Toddler Terror Threat Level Orange.

I’m his captor. And while, I love him, I wonder how much of it is Stockholm syndrome. The other day, I woke up to find a ransom note in his crib. I tried to call the FBI, but apparently they don’t handle cases of the young and deranged.

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Transcribed below is a list of my toddler’s demands. If you read this, please send help.

If you want to get out of this toddler stage alive, be prepared to meet the following demands:

1. I want da-da.

2. Actually, ma-ma. MA-MA! NOW! No, da-da!

3. To climb on the table.

4. I demand 50 percent of whatever you put in your mouth.

5. Unfettered access to all electrical outlets. And candy.

6. A knife.

7. That thing. No, THAT thing. THAT, THE THING I AM POINTING TO WITH MY CHUBBY DEMANDING FINGER.

8. All of your most expensive electronics.

9. Glass cups filled with water.

10. A snack.

11. Gross. Not that snack.

12. Also, another knife.

13. The ability to eat all the dirt and sand I want. Also, crayons. Why won’t you let me eat them?

14. JUICE!

15. That ossified cheese bit that is under the couch.

16. The ability to claw your thigh while you are trying to poop.

17. Your toothbrush, so I can stir the toilet water.

18. Everything that belongs to my sister, but in tiny crushed up pieces. Thank you.

19. Another knife.

20. I would also like to smear oatmeal on every outfit that you wear. Preferably on your butt, where no one can see.

21. For you to hold me between the hours of 3 a.m. and 6 a.m. Then, I would like you to leave me alone, while I sleep peacefully and you stumble deliriously throughout your day.

22. Outside. I want outside.

23. OMG WHY DID YOU BRING ME OUTSIDE?! YOU’LL PAY FOR THIS!

24. Bleach. I don’t know what it is, but I catch glimpses of it in the locked cupboard and frankly, it’s pretty uncool of you not to let me drink it.

25. Pick me up.

26. Put me down.

27. Stop putting me down. Up. I demand up.

28. I will make my body stiff and difficult to carry because you have made the unwise choice to pick me up.

29. I need cookies every three minutes while grocery shopping or I will cause such a ruckus that I will remind every woman in Target of childbearing age to get back on the birth control.

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All demands must be met promptly, or your eardrums get it. Unless, I want them later, in that case, how dare you give me the things I want?

Don’t even try to call the police. I’ve got chubby cheeks and a winning smile and I know how to use them.

Best,

Your Darling Baby

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