Being a parent to twins is a challenging experience, to say
the least. If, like me, you went from being an autonomous adult to a mother of
two, you know that it’s initially pretty crazy. You have to do everything on the
double. If you’ve ever thrown one kid under each arm to get up a flight of stairs, or stood on the other side of the door listening to your twins laughing
hysterically over something you’re totally not in on, you know what I’m talking
You know that you’re a parent of twins when:
1. You’re a geometry expert.
You see the doorway to a store you
want to go into and start doing quick calculus equations in your head, trying
to figure out if your double-wide will fit. You've learned that the world
isn’t made for moms with multiples and that doing something as simple as
getting through a door is often a tighter squeeze than giving birth. If you’ve
ever paid a stranger to go into the store and get you a coffee — or a jar of
specialty Bloody Mary mix (ahem) — you’re probably a twin parent.
2. You feel like a celebrity.
Actually, you’re not the
celebrity. You’re more like the handler standing off to the side at the Academy
Awards wearing an all-black outfit and a headset. Your dynamic duo inspires "oohs" and "ahhs" wherever you go. To get this level of attention, you’d have to
leave the house without panties on (and, even then, people would still be fixated
on your matched set).
3. You teach people where babies come from.
When you’ve got
twins with you, inquiring strangers want to know — how the hell did this
happen? Do twins run in your family? Did you do IVF? Is one of them actually a
hologram created by a computer called Synergy? Depending on your mood, you
decide how much you want to share.
4. You’re a nap ninja.
Twin mamas know there’s a strange sense
of accomplishment that comes from getting both kids to nap at the same time.
Did you graduate from a master’s program? Earn a law degree? Run a marathon?
Sorry, you know it’s true that nothing matches the feeling of success you have
when you tip-toe out of the room having earned yourself an hour of
alone time. Now go give yourself a pedicure and a VO5 Hot Oil Treatment, girl!
From diapering to baths to nail
trimmings, you operate like a well-oiled machine. Sure, it would be nice to
sometimes linger over these tasks and give each of your spawn special
attention. But rarely is there enough time. Note: if your husband starts lining
up to have his ears Q-tipped, it might be time to ease up.
6. You seek out twin life hacks.
Caring for two at a time is
hard, so can you blame us if we Google search ways to make our lives even a
tiny bit easier? Granted, most of the ideas out there are kind of cray, like
this double baby
carrier (oh hell no!) or this arguably dangerous bottle holder. You
can’t blame these people for trying, though.
7. You drive (a stroller) like Danica Patrick.
There’s a bit of
a learning curve when it comes to piloting a double stroller (who among us
hasn’t knocked down an entire soup display in the grocery store or caught a
stray cat in a wheel on the way to the playground?). But once you’ve got the
hang of it, you move that MF like you’re in the Indy-effing-500. The best
compliment I ever got was after a woman watched me open the door to a mall
parking level with one hand and swerve the double stroller through with the
other: “She knows how to maneuver that thing!” Yes, yes I do.
8. You know one is the easiest number.
Of course, you can’t tell
your friends with one kid this, but handling one child at a time is the
definition of simple. If you ever get a full day of one-on-one time with just
one of yours, you suddenly see what it’s like to really BE with your kid
instead of just managing chaos.
When you pass other twin parents on the
street, a knowing look passes between you. Sometimes even a fist bump. There’s
an instant camaraderie between adults who understand what it’s like to laugh
(or cry) hysterically when two infants are screaming at the same time or to be
double-teamed by a pair of two year-olds.
10. You celebrate being done. Like, done-done.
While other parents struggle with
the decision whether to expand their family of three, you breathe a sigh
of relief knowing your insta-family is complete. You will never have
to buy a pair of jeans with an elastic waistband again.