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Hilarious Horoscopes for Toddlers

Aries: You'll need to be extra persistent with your repetitions of "why" today—Mom's patience is in the irritated house of Because I Said So.

Taurus: Your reunion with an old friend will be bittersweet. Translation? You will be overjoyed to find your lost Blankie—until you realize it went through the laundry and no longer smells like saliva and dirt.

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Gemini: Your mom will be too tired to take you to the playground this afternoon; a descending attention span in your House of Hyperactivity will inspire you to use the couch as a jungle gym instead.

Cancer: A stubborn ascendant in your third house of Mischievousness means this isn't a good time for change; resist potty training, making new friends at play dates and sampling slightly unfamiliar foods.

Leo: Your generous nature knows no bounds; you learned lots of four-letter words while Mommy was on the phone with the plumber, so be sure to share them with all your preschool pals.

Virgo: Due to a total eclipse in your normally virtuous fourth house of Listening, expect to ignore your parents tonight while coming up with new and creative ways to avoid bedtime.

Libra: Take advantage of an exciting opportunity to go to Grandma's soon; making ridiculous demands and following Mom everywhere she goes might even convince her to arrange an overnight stay!

Scorpio: A full moon is descending in your house of Outdoor Nudity; remove your clothing in public as much as possible and enjoy the attention you so richly deserve.

Sagittarius: Using your words might not be such a bad idea after all! Screaming "MINE!" is likely to produce desirable results when you attempt to resolve an upcoming ownership dispute.

Capricorn: A fury as bright as a thousand suns lodged in your first house of Tantrums will land you in a time out. Make the best of your solitary confinement by decorating your face with marker.

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Aquarius: Been waiting for the right time to change your favorite food? Best to hold off for now; your mom will be purchasing a Family Economy Size quantity of your current fave at the store tomorrow.

Pisces: Due to a retrograde planet in your house of Helpfulness, your selfless offers to assist Mom in the kitchen will probably end in tears (hers, not yours)—you'll be too busy licking chocolate off the spoon to cry over (literal) spilled milk.

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