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How to Be a Good Parent in 8 Simple Steps

Photograph by Twenty20

I get it, being a parent is hard. Super hard. So, here are some totally serious ways to up the ante on your child-rearing game.

1. Keep this thing alive by feeding them. This means feeding them, you know, the right way. ONLY THE RIGHT WAY AND NO OTHER WAY shows you love your child and want them to survive. And you better know what the right way is.

2. While on the topic of feeding them, make sure to stick to only organic snacks for their first forays into food. Dirt and grass are ideal places to start. A stray booger never hurt anyone, amirite?

3. Let them cry it out. Or don’t, I don’t care. I can’t hear them from here.

Don’t look back. The babysitter’s got this now.

4. Make sure they get plenty of sleep for their developing brains. Benadryl can help with this. We’re also big fans of a nip of Jack Daniels. It knocks them out cold, but gives them great anecdotes for the playground.

5. Give them lots of chances to be social. Arrange for playdates when your kid hasn’t napped, and then leave to run errands. OK, maybe just do this if you’re looking to get rid of your own friends.

6. Sign them up for all the activities! Nothing says you love your child like the amount of money you can spend on exorbitant activity fees. Besides, what better things do you have to do on a Saturday morning than watch a horde of 5-year-olds playing "soccer”?

7. Go out for date night—you can’t pour from an empty cup, after all! Get your significant other in the car and keep driving. Don’t look back. The babysitter’s got this now.

8. Give them a little brother or sister. Because you aren’t spread thinly enough and those relentless questions of “So when are you going to have another?” deserve an answer.

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