"Have no regrets,” they say. And don’t get me
wrong, I support the general idea behind that saying. Don’t feel bad about decisions that you make.
Yes, live for the moment, embrace your decisions—both those that led you
farther down your path to greatness and those that led you down the walk of
shame, with one shoe on and a massive hangover. But I believe that some
decisions don’t help us get to our higher self. No, some decisions are stupid, and some we just
shouldn’t have ever said—especially as parents to toddlers. Here are 10
things I’ve recently said to my toddler that I totally regret.
It’s universally known that toddlers always want more. Give them
5 more minutes to do anything, and they return your generosity with a massive meltdown and a kick in the shin, even after you had already stretched it to 10.
“Just 5 more minutes” in Toddlerese translates to “Just wait 5 more minutes to
do the freaking out you were going to do anyway.”
2. Sure, we can buy
the Play-Doh kitchen set.
Play-Doh and Legos are the assholes of the Toy World. But, I
went ahead and let Stella have the Play-Doh kitchen set anyway. Big mistake. It’s smashed in
the carpet, smeared across her pants, in her shoe treads and tangled up in her hair. It causes me to rage (and immediately feel bad that I raged), makes me a worse mother and a worse person, and haunts me in my dreams.
3. OK, you can help mommy make cookies.
In essence, I said, “You can crack five eggs all over the
counter and drop the rest on the floor, and then shove three little fistfuls of raw
dough into your mouth, then run around for 45 minutes with a sugar high and
then end the whole experience with a unrelenting bout of diarrhea.“
4. Have daddy get you dressed.
I regret telling my daughter to have her daddy dress her on
the day we ended up running into some old family friends who took 50+ photos of
her in her three-sizes-too-small “Jamaica Me Crazy” souvenir T-shirt and equally-too-small track pants. She looked like
Mickey Rourke from "The Wrestler."
5. Anything that involves us laughing at the word
Sure, going for the easy laughs seems enticing at first. And
it starts out seemingly harmless with the “stinky feet” references while you
pinch your nose. But then it always
graduates to poop, butt and fart jokes. Or, at least it has in my house. And I
have to admit, poop, butt and fart jokes are often really funny, even at my
age, so I can understand why it is appealing to a toddler. But now it won’t stop. And even though I still laugh occasionally, yeah,
I regret it.
6. Do you want to watch "Caillou"?
I despise the day I ever let that bald-headed, primary-color
sweater wearing, annoyingly naïve, little ginger boy into my home. I can’t
unwatch him. I can’t unhear him. And my
toddler is crazy about him! He’s like the toddler Harry Styles. But instead of
being British, he’s French-Canadian, and instead of having hair to die for, he
has a weird, bald infant-looking head, and instead of oozing swag, he has a
swag deficit. And now I’ve caught myself
accusing Caillou, a children’s cartoon character, of having no swag. Regrets
7. OK, one more story.
I ended up reading seven stories and a sales circular before I gave up and let her watch Beyoncé videos on the iPad.
You know in the movies, where the mom reads the entire
bedtime story and then realizes when she ends the book that her sweet young
child is fast asleep? She closes the
book, pulls the covers up tight and gives a tender kiss on her angelic looking
child’s forehead. Well, that scene is
bullshit, my friends. Because in my house, it’s never just one more story, it’s never even two more stories that helps them settle into their bed and decide
to quietly close their eyes and sleep. Nope, one night in an effort to read my toddler to sleep, I ended up
reading seven stories and a sales circular before I gave up and let her watch
Beyoncé videos on the iPad. Nope, our bedtime story ends like this: a toddler crying
so long and hard about not getting one more f’ing story that she gets a bloody
nose and then throws up. Sweet dreams, everyone.
8. Because our neighbor lady is mean like Ursula.
Why did I say this to my toddler in response to her
question, “Why do you have a mad face, mommy?” Because now I am scared as hell
to be at the mailbox or in our driveway at the same time our neighbor is in hers—or anywhere near the lady who my daughter will now
no doubt point at and call Ursula the next time we see her.
9. It’s in my makeup drawer.
First rule of parenting: Never talk about the makeup drawer. As long as they don’t know where to find
my lipsticks and glosses and eye shadows, they won’t use them to draw “Olaf
eating sandmiches” on my computer screen or on their foreheads or anywhere
else with a surface area.
we see what these Disney Egg Surprises are all about?
I have to be honest with you. I ain’t mad at you, Disney Egg
Surprise lady, you are pulling in an ungodly amount of money for simply
breaking chocolate eggs and naming what’s inside with your hypnotic (and super
weird) voice inflections. But after just
one video, my daughter threw tantrums to see more. And we gave in. And we kept giving in. And after hearing and
seeing you do this for three dozen times, we wanted to stab ourselves. And our world has become all about chocolate
egg surprises. I wish we would have never known about you, weird
voice-inflection, millionaire egg lady.