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20 Things You Become a Pro at Once You Have Kids

There are about a million things I never thought I'd think, say or see during my life. But after having kids, my world changed quite a bit. "Don't lick the side of the van" and "do not eat your sister's boogers" are things I never thought I'd have to utter. Before I had kids, a lot of things grossed me out. Nowadays? I'm pretty sure I see, smell or touch poop on a daily basis. Nevertheless, I'm stronger because of it. In fact, I've become a pro at some of these parenting "skills." Here are 20 things you become a pro at once you have kids.

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  1. Fishing toys out of the toilet. "Why is Mr. Bear in the toilet again?"
  2. Describing your child's stool to your pediatrician. "It's seedy, mustard brown. No, not jelly-like. More like spreadable peanut butter."
  3. Multitasking basically all the time (cooking dinner, cleaning the living room, & playing with the kids all at once).
  4. Saying no to your childless friends who still invite you to do things last minute at 10 p.m. on weeknights. "Um, I've got kids bro. They've been asleep for 3 hours already. Not happening. Ask me two weeks ago."
  5. Locating lost toys. (They're almost always under the couch!)
  6. Changing a diaper blowout in the middle of the night, in the dark.
  7. Anticipating puke and catching it in your hands.
  8. Interpreting your toddler when no one else can. "Oooh-meece! Ooooh-meece!" She wants to listen to music!
  9. Peeing while holding a baby.
  10. Always having a reason to drink wine. "10 a.m.? It was a rough morning."
  11. Knowing where to look for your misplaced keys. (They're always in my husband's shoes!)
  12. Changing a diaper in your lap in the car.
  13. The art of negotiation: "If you eat three bites of your dinner, I will send you to the moon." "If you stay in your bed, I will pay you 1 trillion dollars."
  14. Coming up with believable excuses for random requests: "No, we can't have cereal this morning because it's THURSDAY, no cereal on Thursdays is the rule!"
  15. Knowing exactly how old another child is when you see them in public.
  16. Turning ANYTHING into a game.
  17. Getting ready in less than five minutes. "Hair? Check. Makeup? Check. Yesterday's clean-ish clothes? Check."
  18. 3 a.m. puke-fests. (Grab the puke bucket. Take off the sheets. Throw a towel down. Bam.)
  19. Creeping out of your baby's room so you don't wake them up.
  20. Savoring every morsel of alone time. "Yay! I have a dentist appointment!"

RELATED: A Parenting Glossary For the Real World

Image via Twenty20/notthatjenhudson

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