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16 Things Only Parents Do

Once you become a parent, a new normal emerges for you and you find yourself doing things you never would have reason to do before. Things that might have seemed strange, even crazy, to you pre-kids are totally just the way things are. And if any childless person are doing these same things, they're probably drunk.

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1. Shouting at LEGOs

Before kids, you never had beef with Legos. But now, all you see are little, plastic assholes. You shout at LEGOs because they are on the couch, under the table and in your sock drawer. They are bloody everywhere. And your child can never completely build anything because pieces are lost. And forget shouting, you didn't know you were capable of the noises, yelps and words that come out of your mouth when you step on one of those plastic torture boxes.

2. Shouting at Play-Doh

I never had the need to yell expletives at colorful clay until I became a parent. It is not until then that you realize that Play-Doh is just on this earth to stain your carpet and crush your soul.

3. Eating food off the kitchen floor that has been partially eaten by a 2-year-old

Your gross threshold only skyrockets when you have kids.

Only a mother's love can help you see the beauty in eating the quesadilla triangles your daughter licked then hurled off her high chair and onto the floor. It saves you from spending time and your precious energy reserves to make something for yourself to eat. And also, why waste a "perfectly" good quesadilla? Kid spit and kitchen floor cooties do not phase you when you're a parent. Your gross threshold only skyrockets when you have kids.

4. Then following it up with a swig of apple juice from a sippy cup

It's perfectly good apple juice.

5. Wasting $70 in 2014 on the toy crane

Before kids, this machine was nothing but a fun, silly game to play when you had a few dollars and some time to kill at a grocery store or when you were waiting late night with your friends for a table at Denny's. Now it's a machine that tests your worth as a parent and separates life's winners from its losers. And it offers you the chance to be a frickin' hero after you spend nearly $100 just to score that bootleg, half-stuffed Hello Kitty.

6. Sleeping in an IKEA castle tent using Dumbo as a pillow

You do this because you are either a parent, or you are drunk, but hopefully you are not parenting drunk.

7. Watching hours of plastic eggs covered in Play-Doh being opened up on YouTube

Before kids, you had no idea this bizarre world of toy unboxing even existed. Now, you watch so many videos of surprise toy eggs being opened that you are able to identify the "egg opener" by the decals on her (or his) fingernails. NOTE: If you are watching these chocolate egg surprises being opened without a toddler sitting next to you, please seek psychiatric help!

8. Repeatedly explaining why it's not good to loudly announce in public that you just farted

You now also spend the same amount of time explaining why it's not good to eat your boogies or take your pants off in the middle of Walgreens. If you are childless and doing this, you might want to expand your friend base.

9. Wiping someone else's butt while they loudly sing the alphabet song

Only parents are doing this. Oh God in heaven please say only parents are doing this.

10. Telling 17 stories in a row about different animals going on a field trip to Legoland

Let's be real, sometimes parenting is just one, big madhouse.

You may be a born storyteller, but you will have to develop next level storytelling skills and endurance when you are putting a child to sleep. Telling 17 stories in a row about "polar bears going shopping for mittens" or about "Taylor Swift when she was a little girl" was just not something we ever contemplated doing prior to kids. As parents, we sometimes do things that would justify us being in a mad house, but let's be real, sometimes parenting is just one, big madhouse.

11. Pretending to be a horse with a broken leg so Doc McStuffins can fix it

12. Wearing a painted macaroni necklace to a nice dinner with your work colleagues

When you are a parent and your child proudly presents a fine macaroni and rotini necklace dangling on a red yarn chain, you show that thing off to everyone you know. This is the bling that you live for these days.

13. Picking every non-noodle item out of cup of noodles without being paid or without it being a joke

This kind of action is just done in autopilot mode at this point.

14. Singing "Shake it Off" in Peppa Pig's voice

While pretending I am in a house made of chocolate. And the crazy thing is that this is so normal to me now that I have become weirdly competitive with my husband (who is British) about perfecting the English Peppa accent so that I can suitably impress my 2-year-old daughter with each new Peppa pop song she requests. I'm currently working on "Blank Space," which is much more difficult than Katy Perry's "Dark Horse," FYI.

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15. Pulling "Play-Doh corn dogs" out of tiny little nostrils

Because kids just can't help themselves.

16. Drinking milk out of a bowl while pretending to be a cat

When your 2-year-old suggests you act like cats, you do it. And you don't skimp. You act like cats, which means you drink like cats, plain and simple. Perhaps this one goes past the whole "parents are the only ones doing this" theme.

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