Once you become a parent, a new normal emerges for you and you
find yourself doing things you never would have reason to do before. Things that might have seemed strange, even crazy, to you pre-kids
are totally just the way things are. And if any childless person are doing these same things, they're probably drunk.
Before kids, you never had beef with Legos. But now, all you
see are little, plastic assholes. You shout at LEGOs because they are on the
couch, under the table and in your sock drawer. They are bloody
everywhere. And your child can
never completely build anything because pieces are lost. And forget shouting, you didn't know you were capable of the noises, yelps and
words that come out of your mouth when you step on one of those plastic torture
2. Shouting at Play-Doh
I never had the need to yell expletives at colorful
clay until I became a parent. It is not until then that you realize that
Play-Doh is just on this earth to stain your carpet and crush
3. Eating food off the kitchen floor that has been
partially eaten by a 2-year-old
Your gross threshold only skyrockets when you have kids.
Only a mother's love can help you see the beauty in eating the
quesadilla triangles your daughter licked then hurled off her high chair
and onto the floor. It saves you from spending time and your precious energy reserves
to make something for yourself to eat. And also, why waste a "perfectly" good
quesadilla? Kid spit and kitchen
floor cooties do not phase you when you're a parent. Your gross threshold only skyrockets when you have kids.
4. Then following it up with a swig of apple juice
from a sippy cup
It's perfectly good apple juice.
5. Wasting $70 in 2014 on the toy crane
Before kids, this machine was nothing but a fun, silly game
to play when you had a few dollars and some time to kill at a grocery store or
when you were waiting late night with your friends for a table at Denny's. Now
it's a machine that tests your worth as a parent and separates life's winners
from its losers. And it offers you the chance to be a frickin' hero after you
spend nearly $100 just to score that bootleg, half-stuffed Hello Kitty.
6. Sleeping in an IKEA castle tent using Dumbo as a
You do this because you are either a parent, or you are drunk,
but hopefully you are not parenting drunk.
7. Watching hours of plastic eggs covered in Play-Doh
being opened up on YouTube
Before kids, you had no idea this bizarre world of toy
unboxing even existed. Now, you watch so many videos of surprise toy eggs being
opened that you are able to identify the "egg opener" by the decals on her (or
his) fingernails. NOTE: If you are watching these chocolate egg surprises being
opened without a toddler sitting next to you, please seek psychiatric help!
8. Repeatedly explaining why it's not good to
loudly announce in public that you just farted
You now also spend the same amount of time explaining why
it's not good to eat your boogies or take your pants off in the middle of
Walgreens. If you are childless and doing this, you might want to expand
your friend base.
9. Wiping someone else's butt while they loudly sing
the alphabet song
Only parents are doing this. Oh God in heaven please say only parents are doing this.
17 stories in a row about different animals going on a field trip to Legoland
Let's be real, sometimes parenting is just one, big madhouse.
You may be a born storyteller, but you will have to develop
next level storytelling skills and endurance when you are putting a child to
sleep. Telling 17 stories in a row about "polar bears going shopping for
mittens" or about "Taylor Swift when she was a little girl" was just not
something we ever contemplated doing prior to kids. As parents, we
sometimes do things that would justify us being in a mad house, but let's be
real, sometimes parenting is just one, big madhouse.
to be a horse with a broken leg so Doc McStuffins can fix it
a painted macaroni necklace to a nice dinner with your work colleagues
When you are a parent and your child proudly presents a fine
macaroni and rotini necklace dangling on a red yarn chain, you show that thing
off to everyone you know. This is
the bling that you live for these days.
every non-noodle item out of cup of noodles without being paid or without it
being a joke
This kind of action is just done in autopilot mode at this
"Shake it Off" in Peppa Pig's voice
While pretending I am in a house made of chocolate. And the crazy thing is that this is so normal to me now that I have become weirdly competitive with my
husband (who is British) about perfecting the English Peppa accent so that I
can suitably impress my 2-year-old daughter with each new Peppa pop song she
requests. I'm currently working on "Blank Space," which is much more difficult
than Katy Perry's "Dark Horse," FYI.
"Play-Doh corn dogs" out of tiny little nostrils
Because kids just can't help themselves.
milk out of a bowl while pretending to be a cat
When your 2-year-old suggests you act like cats, you do it.
And you don't skimp. You act like cats, which means you drink like cats, plain
and simple. Perhaps this one goes past the whole "parents are the only ones
doing this" theme.