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Kids Say the Darndest $%&*! Things

Girl laughs. Kids unintended blunders.

Sometimes it takes me a minute to figure out what’s going on in conversations with my kids. For example, the other morning, my five-year-old son looking very serious and a little bit shaken, told me, “Mom, I dreamed there was a monster under my pillow, and it had big, spiky testicles and it was really scary.”

“...Tentacles? Do you mean tentacles?” I asked.

“Oh right. Yeah, I mean tentacles.”

“So it could have been a lot more scary, right?” I joked. (He didn’t get it.)

Kids’ unintended blunders can be pretty fun for us parents. Or horrifying, depending on the situation. Read on for a few more gems from littles around the country, and share your children’s latest and greatest word choice mixups in the comments below!

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1. “I’m on the crack!” -Vivienne, age 3, Tijeres, NM

Mom Valerya explains: “Vivienne has this obsession with sitting on the space between two couch cushions, also known as ‘the crack.’ The other day, she just walked up to my husband, whose coffee cup was on that space, and yelled, ‘I'm on the crack!’ His reply? ‘Yes. Yes, you are.’”

2. "Did you use tampons on your feet to climb the mountain?” -Mitchell, age 10, Columbus, OH

Mom Katherine explains: “My husband does a lot of mountaineering, and Mitchell, our son, gets some of the terminology confused. In this case, he meant ‘crampons.’ We died laughing.”

3. “Can we go to that park with all those b*tches? I love b*tches; I really do.” -Shepard, age 3, Austin, TX

Mom Caitlin explains: For some reason, Shepard loves parks with benches—maybe because I'm always looking for a bench to nurse the baby on while he plays. Anyway, he isn't great with the 'n' sound so it comes out just like ‘b*tch.’ You should see the looks we get when the playground’s really crowded.”

4. “Look! A dumb f*ck! A dumb f*ck!” -Jameson, age 2, Portland, ME

Mom, Sue, explains: “Jameson is really into dump trucks.” *Wink*

RELATED: Hilarious Texts From Mom

5. “Watch out! I’m throwing up!” -Olive, age 4, Minneapolis, MN

Mom Heather explains: “Olive said this at her birthday party, announcing proudly to about six of our adult family members that she’s growing up. Everyone understood what she meant within a moment or two—but not before they took a collective step backwards. It was hilarious.”

Photo via Flickr/Regan Miles

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