Toddlers are little miniature
people that should be respected, raised and regarded as the special small
creatures they are. (I do adore my own small creatures with all my heart, as we
all adore our own small creatures with all our hearts.) Toddlers are always
honest with us, and we owe them the same courtesy—except when we absolutely
have to lie in order to keep ourselves from losing our bleeping minds, ya know?
As a kid, I remember my great aunt once telling me that
eating onions would make my hair grow really, really long all in the name of
getting me to eat a vegetable medley. (What a liar!) Part of me still believes her,
lovingly. For the record, my hair never grew all that long. But she was on to something, because I remember
chomping those grilled onions on my plate that night.
For your entertainment, here
are my top 10 lies I tell my toddlers, in the name of raising good fabulous people, of
1. The guy's
gonna come and kick us out.
This one's primarily used when when things start derailing at
restaurants. I scan the room, find an innocent, semi-brooding man standing
or sitting far away from us enjoying his lunch, point him out and say that "that man works
for this restaurant and is in charge of this place, and he will KICK US OUT if we
get too noisy." (Yes, that's a quote.)
2. It's really Fairy Fruit Salad.
If you don't eat it, Tinkerbell won't let us watch her movies anymore.
see, Tinkerbell and her fairy friends flew into our kitchen last night and made
this just for YOU. They were so flattered about how both of you are such fans
of their movies, they wanted to do something special. They sneaked into our
kitchen with their magical fruits from Pixie Hollow, chopped everything up and
worked really hard. And now you're NOT going to eat it? Please, try the Fairy
Fruit Salad. If you don't eat it, Tinkerbell won't let us watch her movies anymore.
3. If you jump off of that (or run inside the house or pull your sister's
arm or open that junk drawer in the kitchen) your head (or leg or arm or
fingers) will get stuck or smashed and will fall off ... and we won't be able to put them back on.
to put them in a bag and throw them away. Then what will we do? Cry. A lot. And you
won't have a head anymore (or, choose applicable body part).
4. If we don't take a bath before bed (after getting ourselves giddily filthy in the dirt), stinky bugs will crawl up
your bottom and live there.
And then everyone at preschool will say "EWWWWWW who
stinks?" and not let you play with your friends. Do you want spiders to live
in your bum-bum? Now get in the bath before the bugs find us.
5. This iced tea (or, chocolate bar) is really medicine
and tastes disgusting.
Yuk. Gross. (If I really need to persuade, I start
making wincing faces and sticking out my tongue and fake-gagging. Don't judge until you try it.)
6. If we don't go potty before bed, the princesses on our bedsheets will wake up crying in the middle of the night.
Because they'll get so cold from the peepee ...
7. The Mommy Company is going
to send a new mommy here if you keep acting up.