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10 Lies I Tell My Toddlers

I know, I know. We shouldn't lie to toddlers.

Toddlers are little miniature people that should be respected, raised and regarded as the special small creatures they are. (I do adore my own small creatures with all my heart, as we all adore our own small creatures with all our hearts.) Toddlers are always honest with us, and we owe them the same courtesy—except when we absolutely have to lie in order to keep ourselves from losing our bleeping minds, ya know?

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As a kid, I remember my great aunt once telling me that eating onions would make my hair grow really, really long all in the name of getting me to eat a vegetable medley. (What a liar!) Part of me still believes her, lovingly. For the record, my hair never grew all that long. But she was on to something, because I remember chomping those grilled onions on my plate that night.

For your entertainment, here are my top 10 lies I tell my toddlers, in the name of raising good fabulous people, of course.

1. The guy's gonna come and kick us out.

This one's primarily used when when things start derailing at restaurants. I scan the room, find an innocent, semi-brooding man standing or sitting far away from us enjoying his lunch, point him out and say that "that man works for this restaurant and is in charge of this place, and he will KICK US OUT if we get too noisy." (Yes, that's a quote.)

2. It's really Fairy Fruit Salad.

If you don't eat it, Tinkerbell won't let us watch her movies anymore.

You see, Tinkerbell and her fairy friends flew into our kitchen last night and made this just for YOU. They were so flattered about how both of you are such fans of their movies, they wanted to do something special. They sneaked into our kitchen with their magical fruits from Pixie Hollow, chopped everything up and worked really hard. And now you're NOT going to eat it? Please, try the Fairy Fruit Salad. If you don't eat it, Tinkerbell won't let us watch her movies anymore.

3. If you jump off of that (or run inside the house or pull your sister's arm or open that junk drawer in the kitchen) your head (or leg or arm or fingers) will get stuck or smashed and will fall off ... and we won't be able to put them back on.

We'll have to put them in a bag and throw them away. Then what will we do? Cry. A lot. And you won't have a head anymore (or, choose applicable body part).

4. If we don't take a bath before bed (after getting ourselves giddily filthy in the dirt), stinky bugs will crawl up your bottom and live there.

And then everyone at preschool will say "EWWWWWW who stinks?" and not let you play with your friends. Do you want spiders to live in your bum-bum? Now get in the bath before the bugs find us.

5. This iced tea (or, chocolate bar) is really medicine and tastes disgusting.

Yuk. Gross. (If I really need to persuade, I start making wincing faces and sticking out my tongue and fake-gagging. Don't judge until you try it.)

6. If we don't go potty before bed, the princesses on our bedsheets will wake up crying in the middle of the night.

Because they'll get so cold from the peepee ...

7. The Mommy Company is going to send a new mommy here if you keep acting up.

Use this sparingly and at your own risk.

8. If you dilly-dally and take too long getting into our car and sitting in your chair, then the car won't turn on.

And we won't be able to go to school, the park, Disneyland, dance class, our friends' house (fill in the blank).

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9. The news said that mommies should not let their little kids hold their phones anymore.

Because the phones can get so hot and set your hands on fire. I don't want that to happen to you!

10. The TV is broken.

I can't even turn it on.

So 'fess up! What are your best lies to tell toddlers?

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