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13 Jobs Raising a Toddler Qualifies You For

Right about the time my daughter was born, I quit my job. That hadn't been the plan. It was a good, stable job at a company I had been with for four years. But holding her in my arms for the first time, I knew I couldn't return to a standard 9 to 5. So, I quit and began actively pursuing this dream of writing that I've had all my life; determined to do whatever it took to have the flexibility in parenting that I was yearning for.

It was the best decision I have ever made.

But I still think about it sometimes, even two years later. If I ever did decide to take on a "real job" again, what would I want to do? And what would I be qualified for at this point?

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It turns out … a whole lot. In fact, I came up with a long list of jobs parenting a toddler has prepared me for.

1. Storm Chaser

I often feel as though I am chasing my daughter from one tornado to the next in terms of the messes she makes. She touches down, and I meet her at the eye of the storm for cleanup. But my job is never done, because there is always another tornado sighting to catch up to, which usually becomes evident just as I am finishing up at the last one.

2. Therapist

Calming down those raging toddler emotions is no joke, and I do it all without the use of sedatives. (At least, for her, but if you've got something to offer me, I'm all ears.)

3. Magician

My ability to hide veggies in every meal she eats is nothing short of magic.

There is no greater on the job training for any number of careers than raising up a toddler and getting out alive.

4. Masseuse

My little girl legitimately sticks her feet in my face and requests that I rub them. On the daily. I don't know where she got that from, but it's possible I comply more than I should. Mostly because those little feet of hers are still pretty delectable.

5. Cruise Director

Not only am I the entertainment, but I am also tasked with ensuring we remain on schedule and that everyone on board knows where the life jackets are located.

6. Crisis Negotiator

Holy crap, this kid is starting to bargain about everything! It doesn't matter what we're doing, she's got a deal she wants to make—and she is testing my own negotiation powers every step of the way. But when things get heated and she starts making demands, I am proud to report that Mommy still wins. Usually.

7. Personal Shopper

I officially spend way more money on her adorable clothes than on anything in my own closet, and I have really developed a skill for eye-balling apparel items and knowing whether or not they would work for my daughter.

8. Disney Closed Caption Writer

Really, with the number of times she has made me watch some of the same movies again and again, I could probably write those captions from memory. Just send us screener copies. I'll have the captions written up in a few days flat.

9. Stand-up Comedian

My daughter thinks I'm the funniest person she has ever met. Seriously. Just ask her.

10. Retirement Home Orderly

I sincerely convinced myself that once the potty training was done, I would be done wiping butts—yet here I am. Still wiping that little tush after every crap. When does it end?!?

11. Jailhouse Dentist

On the advice of her pediatric dentist, I floss her teeth once a day and brush them twice. But not always without incident. In fact, I imagine she responds to my efforts about as well as any hostile prisoner might.

12. Referee

Because have you ever gotten a bunch of toddlers together for a play date? If I weren't there making the calls on toy disputes and pushing infractions, things would definitely get out of hand. Fast.

13. Paparazzi

Who? Me? Alright, fine. You've got me. I chase my child around with a camera like it's my job or something. Say, "Cheese!"

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So have no fear, mommies! Whether you are preparing for a return to the workforce, or have just come to realize that you hate your current job, your options really are limitless. In fact, I would argue that there is no greater on the job training for any number of careers than raising up a toddler and getting out alive.

Congratulations! You are totally hire-able!

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