Parenting is awesome. But sometimes, it stinks. Like
literally. It reeks. Sure there are those lovely baby scents—that delicate baby skin
smell, that sweet baby breath smell, that baby lotion and even that sweetish smelling
baby poop. But c'mon, that only lasts
for a couple months. And after that, ISH gets real up in the nose holes.
post-newborn phase, kids start to bring on the stank, and it gets fierce. Hey,
let's list some of them, shall we? Here are just a handful of smells you will encounter in parenthood that just might light your nostrils on fire.
We'll start off by diving into what is, in my opinion, one
of the worst smells of parenting: the contents of forgotten bottles filled with
what was once recognized as milk. Usually, these are found under the couch or rolling
around the backseat floor of your hot car (What?! But my car is usually so clean!). The forgotten bottle
or sippy is something no parent ever wants to discover.
Best-case scenario, you
find the bottle by happenstance only a day or so in, during a half-yearly car
interior cleaning. Worse-case scenario, you smell it because it dripped,
saturated and then dried to a permanent crust in your backseat carpet or
upholstery, and the toxic smell is unlocked by the hot sun while you are
trapped in this metal torture chamber, slowly crawling down the 405. It
smells like rotting and bad parenting, potential fights between you and your
husband over who has to open the bottle and clean it. Because opening that canister will
literally make your eyes roll to the back of your head and pass out, and/or erase any
memory you may have had about sweet baby smells.
You act like your hand is on fire until you can sufficiently scrub it and disinfect it properly.
As stated above, only newborns poop that harmless,
light-colored poo that smells faintly of a delicate combination of marmalade
and deli ham. In that stage, when you get it on your hand, you're like, "Oh
dear (sweet giggles) my little lamb's poopie just got on my hand." (wipe it off
with a wipe and continue swaddling and singing while hummingbirds hover in the
Fast forward a year later when
the little one is taking down pureed spinach and hot dogs. This time when you're changing her diaper and some
poo flips up onto your hand, you're like "Holy Sh** MY HAND! MY HAND! For the
love of humanity! Somebody help me!" You act like your hand is on fire until
you can sufficiently scrub it and disinfect it properly. This was a long way of
saying, post-infant poop smells like well, shit. And that is one of life's
When you are a mom, some days you just don't get the time or
opportunity to thoroughly bathe yourself. Sometimes you just wipe down your
pits with a wet wipe. And other days, not even that. Gross or not, it's just
the truth. Don't judge, dammit.
4. Your 13-year-old's socks
Dude. What have you been doing in those things? Playing Hacky Sack with Limburger cheese?
5. Toddler breath the morning after she's fallen
asleep drinking milk
Just because they're small and cute does not mean they can't melt your face off with their morning milk mouth.
Good morning, my precious little baby girl! Come give kisses
to mommy. She daintily tiptoes toward you, curls hanging in her sleepy eyes,
her toddler belly accentuated by those snug little jammies as she clutches her
stuffed dog Bailey. She looks so cute it
hurts. She throws her little arms around your neck and comes in for the kiss.
And then it's FIRE IN YOUR FACE! HOLY HELL! Someone get this girl a Tic
Tac! Just because they're small and cute
does not mean they can't melt your face off with their
morning milk mouth.
6. Rotten food in your fridge
Fish, beef, poultry or anything
else that has gone bad in your fridge. This is because you were just too tired
to get around to cooking it. And because you ordered pizza or Indian food instead.
And by "instead" you mean "for the entire week." Because it was just one of those
weeks. And Domino's and paper plates helped get you through.
7. Baby neck cheese
You know, that grime that builds up and hides in your chubby
baby's neck folds? Those chunky rolls are to die for. But that stuff that accumulates and lurks in
that in-between part that rarely sees the light of day will rock you back on
your heels, for sure. And it will also make you feel like a terrible mother.
8. Clothes that have been forgotten and left in the
washer for at least a day
And sometimes longer (thank you, mom-brain). And you think
if you add a few more dryer sheets to the mix, it will be OK. But it's never OK.
Unless you think having your family walk around smelling like swamp stank is OK. (By the way, it's not OK.)