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19 Parenting Questions No One Can Answer

There are occurrences in parenting that are puzzling to the mind. Sure, there are probably scientific reasons or results to a study that may help to explain some of these parenting phenomena, but still, moms and dads everywhere are thinking to themselves, what in the hell? Parents of little ones, do these unrelenting questions sound familiar?

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1. Why do they hate to sleep?

Babies and children are born with the desire to feel good, to feel loved and at peace. So why the F*** don't they sleep? The bed is soft. You are not expected to do anything other than close your eyes and experience blissful rest and relaxation. Perhaps to a young human, this signifies the end of playtime and excitement, but to parents the resistance to sleep—amazing, wonderful sleep—where you rest your face in a soft pillow and escape to unconsciousness, has us scratching our heads, for real.

2. Why do baby wipes always somehow make your hands smell like poop?

You've used a dozen wipes already to wipe away the poop. The poop is gone. There are no traces of poop on the tush or anywhere. But the wipes still give your hands a faint smell of poop—even when you are not wiping poop but wiping your toddler's hands or face instead.

3. Where are all the matching socks?

They all go into the washer and presumably the dryer, so why don't they also come out of the washer and dryer? Where do they go? Is another life form with only one foot pulling half of each pair to its spacecraft with a sock tractor beam? Is your husband trading single socks on the black market? Who is doing this?

4. Why Caillou?

Does the creator of "Caillou" hate us?

Why is the children's television show "Caillou" still being broadcast around the world? How did it make the programming in the first place? Why do children watch it and give it ratings? Why is Caillou's face so annoying? Why does his father groom his brows just like Vanilla Ice? Why is the baby so clueless? Does the creator of "Caillou" hate us?

5. Why do kids have to talk to you urgently whenever you are on the phone?

You are only on the phone a handful of times a day. Does having the phone up to our ear make us more attractive to you? More fun? Does it signal to you, hey, let's spend some time together talking about who gets to eat the Skittles, or why Rainbow Dash is better than Pinkie Pie or where babies come from?

6. Why do they drink bath water?

I swear someone could make a boatload of money bottling up bathwater and selling it to kids with a fancy label called "Your Own Filth."

7. Why do they smell like goats after playing outside?

They leave the house smelling like Bounce fabric softener and a dream. And they return to the house after being outside (sometimes for only 15 minutes) smelling like an Alpine dairy goat who hasn't left the barn for days. It's so confusing. What makes them have that "outside" goatish smell? Is there an unkempt petting zoo at the top of the slide? What the hell, dude?

8. How did that poop get on the ceiling?

When you have a baby or toddler, poop is often found in strange places: on the armrest of your couch, on the handle of your brush, in your eye. How did it get there? I mean, you can surmise many things. Did it leak out of the diaper while the baby was balancing precariously on the armrest? Maybe curious little toddler hands went in for the feel in her dirty diaper, and then she immediately brushed her hair. Did flying poop landed in your cornea during the last diaper change? But seriously, how does it happen? And how did it get on the ceiling? And now, how do we get it off?

9. Why is daddy always gone when your toddler poops herself?

Why is it that dad always happens to get an important call every time your child's bowels rumble in the jungle? Or why does he suddenly get a bad case of diarrhea himself upon the first whiff of diaper business? How is it that most times, (if not every) time, there is a number 2 occurrence, before you can say, "Hey honey, the little peanut has shat herself," dad's nowhere to be found?

10. How long has that been on my ass?

You do a mirror check before you leave the house. And since childbirth, it is custom for you to go to the bathroom at least twice an hour, which forces you to look at the ass part of your pants. Oh and also, you trust humanity to tell you if there is a WHOLE SHEET OF SEASONED SEAWEED STUCK TO YOUR ASS! How long has snack time been waving on your buns?

11. Where does the night go?

Do we exist in a weird time vortex once we become parents?

How is it that the days can sometimes drag on for an eternity, but nights are over in a lightning flash? Sometimes it feels like just when our heads hit the pillow, a small human is sitting on our head, kicking our face asking for milk. Do we exist in a weird time vortex once we become parents?

12. Why are their bladders so small?

They guzzle enough juice to fill a Texaco Tanker. So why are their stomachs the size of coin purses?

13. How do they know every variation of mom?

Who taught them that one of the most ruthless forms of mom torture is the relentless and repetitive calling of "mom" in every version possible. MOM! MOMMY! MAMA! MA! (repeat 1,700 times).

14. Why do they love the taste of boogers?

Because they are salty. (Apparently.) Mystery solved.

15. Why do they not hear anything you say except for the occasional slip-up swear word?

And then why do they choose to repeat that slip-up word at the playground in front of three other moms?

16. Why are their little heads so hard?

When they are babies, you touch that weird fontanelle part and shudder. You think, "OMG, I must be so careful with this fragile little head. The fontanelle!!" But then mere months later, when they lurch back excitedly and pop you in the mouth with their now fused fontanelles, you get a fat lip, and you realize that it won't be your last.

17. How can they search for videos on YouTube and not pee in the toilet?

How are they able to observe you enter your password, then enter your password themselves, then swipe through the apps, then open YouTube and then somehow find the video of the cat playing the keyboard? Every time?

18. Why can't we pee in peace?

One of the Universe's greatest mysteries.

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19. Why do they make juice boxes and Capri Suns in a way that will definitely ruin our lives?

Here's some juice, toddler. Drink it through a tiny little straw that will constantly fall out/and or disappear completely into the box/pouch. Oh and also, don't put any ounce of pressure on the box/pouch while you hold it in your clumsy Frankenstein hands, lest the juice shoot out all over you and a three-feet radius, covering everything with Level 9 stickiness.

Image via Andrea Wada Davies

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