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How to Look and Feel Your Best, If Told by a Toddler

Oh, to be a toddler. Such healthy, shiny, happy (most of the time) little people. They have that youthful glow, endless amounts of energy and not a care in the world. They are the epitome of beauty, inside and out. So what's their secret? Well, if my toddler could share some advice on looking and feeling like a million bucks, her tips might look a little something like this.

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1. Rub food in your hair

Lather it in. Then apply a few drops of whatever your drinking. It is worth the shine and that effortlessly messy look, but also worth the look on your mother's face.

2. Don't sleep all the way through

Wake up every night around 2:30 a.m. and have a cup of milk. Better yet, demand it. You deserve it girl. Break it up. Shake things up. Don't be boring.

3. Run constantly

Being carried by someone is best for that "I love getting what I want" glow.

Don't walk. Ever. Actually, refuse to walk, it's a waste of time because it's neither fun or relaxing. It's somewhere in between and does nothing for your outer glow. Being carried by someone is best for that "I love getting what I want" glow.

4. Put your face in milk

Dunk it in the bowl of cereal milk. Get it all over your eyelids and cheeks, and then let it drip down your neck. It doesn't do anything for your skin, but everyone will laugh, and you will feel rewarded for your reckless behavior.

5. Hide from your mom and anyone who may be with her

Hide for a little bit too long each time, and sometimes in public places. It's fun for you, but it also gives your mom the endorphins that really make her feel alive.

6. Meditate every morning

Just kidding. Scream out your mom's name in increasing loudness until she stumbles into your room like a newborn calf.

7. Laugh often

It does wonders for the soul. Laugh at everything—at the funny gecko in the Geico ads, at your dad's bed head, at your mom when she's mad and at poop jokes. Especially poop jokes.

8. Do one thing every day that scares you

Ask your mom for something before she's had her coffee.

Get close to a moving vacuum cleaner. Keep your eyes open as you sit in the car and it goes through the carwash. Ask your mom for something before she's had her coffee.

9. Let go of the past … mom

Time-outs only hold me to who I USED to be. And that was so three minutes ago. Focus on the person I am right now, and the person I am about to become.

10. Lie down on the floor in the grocery store

Preferably in the baking aisle, right next to the mini marshmallows so that they may potentially be used as a bribe to get you off the "%*& #@!* floor" as mom likes to call it.

11. Keep in touch with the people you love

FaceTime them incessantly all by yourself by finding them on the recent calls screen on your mom's phone. Hell, while you're there, also call your mom's work colleagues and her gyno. They matter, too.

12. Get naked

Break free from that cotton prison. Get natural. You were born that way.

13. Stand up for yourself

Say NO and mean it. If the other person won't take no for an answer, stomp your feet and flail your arms around while saying no.

14. Eat lots of the green stuff

Like all the green M&Ms and green gummy bears and green Jell-O. The green Jell-O is the best. It's not so good for your tummy, but it's good for your face in that it makes you smile really really big smiles.

15. Let your voice be heard

From a million bajillion miles away through neighboring walls and hallways. Do it until someone calls your parents and complains.

16. Love your body

Adorn it with stickers and stamps. Draw on it with markers, your mom's lipstick or permanent Sharpie, if you can get your hands on one.

17. Be in the moment

And if at that moment, you feel like having yogurt, you have it, gurl. And if, in the very next moment, you feel like not having yogurt and screaming, "I don't want yogurt!" at your mom for getting you the yogurt that you had just asked for, then do that, too. It's not moody, it's being present.

18. Don't try to be something you're not

Like tired when you're not tired. Why pretend and take a nap? Be real. Be awake!

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19. See everything as if you're seeing it for the first time

The world is a beautiful place. And so are most people. Don't be so serious. Have fun. Love freely, don't hold back. Give spontaneous hugs. Break out in dance whenever. And don't eat your boogers. At least not when people are watching.

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