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5 Tried-and-True Tips for Dining Out With Your Toddler

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If you've ever tried to have a nice dinner out with a child over 1, you know that no such thing exists. And don't even try to "Not all toddlers" me. Because if you are having a good time in a restaurant with your toddler, then I guarantee you're about to get thrown out by the management and that the table next to you is live tweeting how they are just trying to eat their Cornish game hen in peace, while your baby throws French fries and yells, "POOOPIES!"

My best advice: Never take your child to a restaurant for the next two years—10 if you can manage it. But if you insist on your disastrous course of action, here are some tips that will help you manage to, at the very least, stay alive.

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1. Go to the fanciest restaurant you can.

The odds of you actually getting to eat your food are actually pretty low. But if you do get to eat, make sure it's the best damn meal of your life, because you probably won't do this again for a long time.

How did the pioneers ever take their kids to Chili's without iPhones, amirite?

2. Order the most obscure item on the menu for your baby.

When inevitably, your baby knocks over the overpriced New Zealand baby seal with pea tendrils, bald eagle eggs and snail porridge, you can scream at the waiter, "She likes her New Zealand baby seal extra endangered!"

3. When your baby starts screaming, yell back, "I don't care if you think Wittgenstein is overrated! His theory of semiotic systems is necessary! Necessary!"

4. Don't be afraid to use screen time.

Whenever your baby starts throwing dishes on the floor, stare at your phone and update your Facebook status to "enjoying date night with my baby!" How did the pioneers ever take their kids to Chili's without iPhones, amirite?

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5. Remind yourself that your baby isn't acting out.

In fact, this restaurant and waitstaff? They are just peons in the grand scheme of your child's career. One day, when he grows up, becomes a real estate mogul, turned reality TV star and runs for President as a Republican, these chumps will rue the day they threw you out of their restaurant! RUE!

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