Lying to your toddler, much like wearing nursing tanks until your kid reaches high school, is one of the best kept secrets of motherhood. Sure, they'll eventually realize that there is no “toddler swearing jail that only serves broccoli,” but it's all part of the journey, right? Here's a list of essential lies to help you survive parenthood. You can thank me later.
1. The park is closed.
I know you want to go to the park right now, but you see, the park is closed. I know because mommies have a schedule of all the things in their head that they can check at ANY time for closures. Sometimes IKEA closes in 5 minutes. The park usually closes before 4 p.m. and when I have a headache. Toy stores are only open when you are at school!
2. Everyone in the world takes a nap at noon. Everyone.
Everything in the world takes a nap at noon. It’s a fact established in science rooms by smart adults shouting important things. If you do not take a nap right now, you will be alone in the world while garbage truck drivers, UPS people, squirrels and our swimming pool are taking a nap.
3. The ice cream truck only plays music when it's out of ice cream.
Look at all those silly kids running to the ice cream truck’s musical stylings! Everyone knows the ice cream truck only plays music when it’s out of ice cream. So, let’s not even waste our time walking over there only to be disappointed. It’s heartbreaking, really.
I guess they were discontinued due to the same reason that the park was closed today and so … sorry.
4. The doctor is on the phone and says you need to eat more vegetables.
“Hello, Dr. Ross, so nice of you to call at dinner time! Yes, this is Quinn’s mother. Mmhmm. Mmhmm. You don’t say! So, he needs to eat more vegetables or he will get a shot? What about Brussels sprouts, in particular? That’s what we're serving tonight. Necessary if he ever wants to go to Disneyland? Mmmhmm. They do a full vitamin panel for every person before they give them mouse ears? Wonderful to know, thank you.”
5. The bug I just flushed down the toilet was lost and is going to be reunited with her parents at the giant swimming pool for lost bugs.
All bugs that make their way into your house are lost from their parents. Some don’t listen and get left behind at the bug leaf store. Some are just bad with directions and can’t read a map. Either way, when I forcefully wrap them in tissue and send them spiraling down the toilet, I am reuniting a family. Kind of like Nemo, but more urban.
6. That's not your size.
What a travesty that you can’t buy those bedazzled 1980s toddler mom jeans. Besides the fact that you are not a member of the PTA, they aren’t your size. And I just checked inside my own head and they don’t have ANY in your size. I guess they were discontinued due to the same reason that the park was closed today and so … sorry.
7. We just ran out of internet for the day.
The internet is a tricky, tricky beast. We have to be careful not to use too much of it or we will run out. Just like milk. And talking time. Today, it appears that we have reached our limit and it probably won’t be back on until Thursday. One time, I ran out of internet for a week when I was a kid and had to read books with no pictures, so let’s be careful!
8. This wine is too spicy for you. All of Mommy's special food is too spicy for you.
Be careful. That rosé is REALLY spicy! I would hate for you to burn your tongue. It’s as spicy as the hot sauce in the cartoons where smoke comes out of your ears. Here's a short list of other spicy items to avoid: most candy from swap meets, all cookies made on weekdays, chocolate, my lunch.