Sometimes life is all about how you choose to see it. Is the
glass half empty or half full? Was it bad luck or a blessing in disguise? Is
that Rorschach inkblot a terrible oil tanker explosion or two dogs wearing
tiaras? Is the dress blue or gold?
Well, if there's any time in your life when you
are forced to be flexible with your perspective, it's when you become a parent.
When you become a parent, things don't always go as planned. In fact, sometimes
they go so far away from planned that you wonder if you have to learn to see
things in a new light—a light that doesn't have you sobbing into your loose-fitting peasant blouse that you found on sale at Ross or wanting to throat
punch every person in the room who even looks like they may want to judge you.
And one of those times when you really have to pull a
different perspective out of your ass is when your small child is having a
Level 5, massive melt-your-face-off meltdown. And one way to see your
toddler's tantrums in a "glass half full" way is to turn those meltdown moves into
something useful, like yoga.
Yes, use those moments of desperation and despair
to help you get zen, find inner peace or at least to help you
tighten up that ass a little. So instead of seeing junior's tantrum as a
totally upsetting disruption to your day, see it as a yoga move. Channel those
feelings of frustration and WTFness into smooth zen meditation. Here are some
tantrum-inspired yoga poses for you.
1. The "I wanted cake for dinner" pose
This pose is usually done either sitting upright in a (high)
chair or on the floor next to the chair with arms outstretched and waving back
and forth wildly above your head. Your arms should be at maximum stretch
position and your mouth in a silent scream because you really wanted that cake!
Finish this pose when you finally get the cake, and by doing so, you'll let your soul
know that you can indeed always have the cake as long as you do that pose.
2. The "You will pay for bringing me to a fancy restaurant"
For a more advanced move, throw your risotto onto the floor.
Keep this movement as fluid and unrestrained as possible.
The key to this one is to release as much energy as possible in front of as
many childless, unforgiving people as possible. Start off by pounding your
cutlery onto the table in short, intense movement. Next, shout loudly that the
food is gross and that you want fish sticks. Then slide off your chair and
under the white-clothed table and refuse to come out until you get fish
sticks. For a more advanced move, throw your risotto onto the floor.
3. The "Why didn't you let me shove the crayon into my inner ear?" pose
Start out by pushing a crayon (or something of similar
circumference and length, like a carrot, a chopstick, a Barbie doll leg) into
your inner ear canal. This will cause your caretaker to quickly snatch the
crayon out of your hands right before the eardrum is pierced. You then go into
high-intensity, high-impact mode. Kick and punch wildly at the air to get your
energy flowing freely through your body. At some point, pick up the entire box
of crayons and shake every single one of the 95 colors out of the box. Make
sure you exercise the correct breathing pattern and take short, shallow breaths
as to encourage and properly ensure that hyperventilation will take place thereafter.
4. The "I'm about to give you a fat lip with my small but hard
This pose comes out of and is inspired by one of the
above-mentioned poses. You can go straight into this pose right after the "I
wanted cake for dinner" or "You will pay for taking me to a fancy restaurant" pose. The pose is performed by bending both knees, putting yourself into a deep squat
and holding until someone—preferably someone who spends her whole being
keeping you fed, bathed and happy—is directly above you. For example, she may be helping you zip
your coat in an effort to keep you warm outside or offer you love and
comfort. Once that person is in position, spring up like a jackrabbit from your
surprisingly powerful haunches and proceed to smash and potentially pop open
the lip of the selfless woman above you.
5. The "I wanted to push the elevator button" pose
Stomp your feet with fervor and run around in circles to get that pranic energy flowing.
You can do this move with or without an actual elevator. The
key is just to get upset over something completely out of your guardian's
control. Stomp your feet with fervor and run around in circles to get that pranic energy flowing. Proceed to cry and push the already-pushed elevator call
button at least 142 times while you scream, "I wanted to push the elevator
6. The "Fuck you, I'm tired" pose
This pose can be done anytime, anyplace, anywhere when you
just feel really, really tired. To fully practice this pose, first refuse to do
anything that requires forward movement or cooperation. Then proceed to lie
down on the floor with your entire body outstretched. Distribute your weight
evenly and then find that inner asshole and relax your body to the point of
total dead weightedness. This way, you completely prevent anyone from easily
picking you up off the grocery store floor.
This pose illustrates the unpredictability of parenting, and
it is a reminder to moms and dads everywhere that sometimes you don't need a
reason to lose your shit. Breathe in that absence of logic and embrace the bat
shit craziness of it all. Then exhale all expectations of normalcy or hopes of making
it to Michaels before they close.