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The Rise of Mean Mommy

Photograph by Getty Images

It's a dark and rainy night. Our hero, a big boy who is also a good boy, makes a very reasonable request after dinner. "Can I have some cocoa please?"

"No," says his mommy. "We don't have cocoa right before bedtime. Maybe in the morning."

"But I said 'please,'" says our hero, using his amazing powers of rationalization.

"No," says the mommy.

"I want cocoa," our hero explains again, because perhaps the mommy didn't understand. Clearly a good guy such as this will earn his well-deserved victory.

"I heard what you said, and I'm still saying no," says the mommy in a cruel and vicious manner.

"You're mean!" says the hero, and just like that, regular mommy turns into...Mean Mommy.

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***

It's a dark and rainy night. Regular mommy is sitting on the floor, hurriedly eating a bowl of chili because she has to go somewhere. Our hero is playing with his colorful wooden robot, one of the few toys his mommy likes as much as he does. Our hero has one of his patented brilliant ideas. The mommy likes chili. Mommy likes the robot, so….

SPLUT. The robot lands in the mommy's chili.

The mommy makes a weird face. "What did you just do?"

"I put the robot in the chili!"

"Why?"

"You like the robot!"

"Go put the robot in the sink right now!"

"But I don't want him to get wet!" Everyone knows it's fine if a robot gets chili on it but it's disastrous if it gets covered in water."GO. NOW."

Just like that, for no reason at all, mommy has decided to go ahead and crush a young man's dreams. Our hero stomps to the kitchen and lobs a flawless retort over his shoulder. "You're mean!"

It's the return of Mean Mommy.

***

It's a dark and rainy night. Our hero is enjoying some well-deserved hot cocoa that has been painstakingly calibrated to the exact temperature a hero requires when—SPLASH. He spills some on his socks. Curses!

"Mommy, I need some new socks!"

"Oh, okay!" Mommy says. Her voice sounds happy but her face does not match it. "You know, I was hoping I could run upstairs and do yet another favor for you! Here I go!" She pounds up the stairs, her cardigan flapping behind her like a cape.

Our hero frowns. Something is amiss. There is a problem and he's going to have to solve it.

"Mommy, don't go that fast," he advises. There. Everything will be back to normal now.

Instead of thanking him for the advice, she throws a fresh pair of socks at his feet like it's a smoke bomb. She puts her hands on her hips, throws her head back and cackles while a bolt of lightning screams across the sky behind her.

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"Here you go," she says. "Since you spilled the cocoa on your feet you can put on your socks by yourself."

ZOUNDS. Our hero can't believe that yet again, he has been terrorized in this way by his old nemesis. He strikes back with his most powerful weapon.

"YOU'RE MEAN!"

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT EVEN MEANS!" she replies cruelly as our hero struggles mightily with his ankle socks.

It's Mean Mommy Rising.

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