My 2-year-old had a busy 2016. He learned to bat his
sister's princess dolls off of his tee, dismantle a flashlight and scream, "I
want a smoothie!" at 5 a.m.
He will turn 3 in the middle of the year and has a lot
to accomplish before his big birthday and the gradual loss of his ability to
function like an irate dictator in a minion T-shirt. Here are some of his
resolutions to start the New Year right.
1. For my health: Begin 2017 with a cookie and candy bar cleanse. I know
mom still has treats stashed away. I will demand them every day.
2. I declare 2017 the year of no pants.
My motto: Cooperate with no one.
3. Efforts to continue: Continue to gaslight mom. She currently is questioning
the very nature of reality due to sleep deprivation and that Pavlovian flinch
she's developed every time she suggests a healthy snack. Keep up the good work,
4. Fears to conquer: The fear of the dark, so I can sneak out of my room and come for my parents in the middle
of the night.
5. Goals to accomplish: Lick everything my
6. Deposit suspicious looking residue on my mom's most
precious items, which at this point seems to be her coffee and free time.