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If My Toddler Made New Year's Resolutions

Photograph by Twenty20

My 2-year-old had a busy 2016. He learned to bat his sister's princess dolls off of his tee, dismantle a flashlight and scream, "I want a smoothie!" at 5 a.m.

He will turn 3 in the middle of the year and has a lot to accomplish before his big birthday and the gradual loss of his ability to function like an irate dictator in a minion T-shirt. Here are some of his resolutions to start the New Year right.

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1. For my health: Begin 2017 with a cookie and candy bar cleanse. I know mom still has treats stashed away. I will demand them every day.

2. I declare 2017 the year of no pants.

My motto: Cooperate with no one.

3. Efforts to continue: Continue to gaslight mom. She currently is questioning the very nature of reality due to sleep deprivation and that Pavlovian flinch she's developed every time she suggests a healthy snack. Keep up the good work, team.

4. Fears to conquer: The fear of the dark, so I can sneak out of my room and come for my parents in the middle of the night.

5. Goals to accomplish: Lick everything my sister owns.

6. Deposit suspicious looking residue on my mom's most precious items, which at this point seems to be her coffee and free time.

7. Scream louder.

8. Resist all potty training efforts.

9. To just really be present when I throw fits. I want to be in those moments and savor them. You know?

10. Do my best to break my bad habit of being coerced by the offer of cookies or the threats of time out. My motto: Cooperate with no one.

11. To finally catch the neighbor's cat.

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12. New skills: The remote control. I just don't believe mom when she says it's broken.

13. My word for the year: Tantrum.

14. Habits to kick: Sleep.

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