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Your Baby Is Cute and All, But I Still Don't Want One

You know that feeling you get when you see an adorable baby? You hold him or her, smell that intoxicating newborn baby smell and talk your ovaries down like a hostage negotiator to stay calm, just stay calm, because OMG you want a baby like now.

Yeah, I know that feeling.

And for the first time in my life, I am fighting against it. In fact, I would dare say that I'm not even having the slightest inkling of wanting a baby. Maybe. OK, it's probably like 80 percent gone. But still, that's a step forward for me.

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I had this feeling once about this time two years ago. I was feeling fancy-free and rejoicing in the "break" my husband and I were taking from adding to our family. I loved having my body and my boobs to myself and actually sleeping through the night again. But I got pregnant approximately two days after I announced out loud that I would not be having a baby anytime soon. Ha.

My husband and I are holding our breaths a little, wondering if it's safe to even finish a conversation with each other.

I mean it this time though, seriously. I would never, ever tell someone that adding to their family is a bad idea or that a new baby could ever be a bad thing, and I know from experience that unplanned pregnancies can be an absolute gift (ahem). But I also know that it's important to give ourselves permission as women and mothers and wives to listen to our own inner wisdom when it whispers, time for a break, mama.

It's hard for me to balance the fact that I really do think family is the most important thing in life with the realities of what it means to raise that family. I have limited skills and resources, including my marriage, which (let's face it) gets a tad bit stressed in the midst of it all.

So at the moment, I want nothing to do with babies. I want to congratulate you, ask you how your own baby is sleeping, hold that precious bundle of joy, sneak a sniff of his head, sneak another sniff of his head, and then happily hand him back to his respective owner, whom for the record, is definitely not me.

It's a good place to be for once, and I'm looking forward to tentatively stepping out in the next stage of life with kids who are a bit older, maybe even dipping my toe into the crazy world of being a sports mom. My husband and I are holding our breaths a little, wondering if it's safe to make such crazy plans like possibly starting the dream home we've always wanted or even finish a conversation with each other.

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I just can't imagine. I'm a little scared but I also really, really look forward to my "baby break" and seeing what the future holds.

And if you too are feeling the same way, totally fine with not being pregnant and not yearning at all for a baby in your life, just know this:

Don't let your guard down. Because the stork is always watching.

Photograph by: j&j brusie photography

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