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How to Raise an Undateable Daughter in 7 Simple Steps

Photograph by Eric Weingrad

The world is littered with unsolvable mysteries that have haunted mankind for thousands of years. How were the Great Pyramids built? Where did those giant rocks come from at Stonehenge? And what the hell is behind Steve Harvey's mustache?

But, most importantly, how do you keep your daughter from dating anyone for the rest of her life?

I've thought long and hard about all of these conundrums but have only been able to solve one of them, which I will gladly share with you today. But before I tell you what's behind "The Family Feud" host's lip drapery, I will first tell you how I'm preparing my daughter for a lonely life of turning off anyone remotely interested in courting her.

As a father, I often find myself thinking about my kids' respective futures. And although I should be more concerned about their general overall happiness on this planet, I find myself worrying about the day my little 3-year-old princess grows up and mutters the words, "Dad, I've got a date tonight."

If I'm being honest, which I hardly ever am, I never want her to date. Not because I want her to live a life of a guarded cat hoarder but because I realize she'll be dating guys—*gasp*—like me! And truth be told, I was a fucking d-bag when it came to dating girls in my late teens and throughout most of my 20s. Now that I'm in my late-30s, I'm much more of a gentleman when it comes to dating, but that's probably because I'm married and dating is frowned upon. Silly "rules," I know.

So I've devised an easy 7-step plan to make sure my daughter—and yours—doesn't fall in love with some bizarro version of me. Fellow dads, you'll want to bookmark this.

Step 1: Post an Embarrassing Photo of Her – I'm walking the walk, people. The cheapest and quickest way to get in the head of these amped up, hairless preteen suitors before they even know your knockout of a daughter exists is to delicately place an awkwardly cute/embarrassing photo of her online. (see above)

Step 2: Don't Ever Look Her in the Eyes – This is going to be tough because when you first have a baby, it's kind of impossible to not look them in the face since they're so freakin' cute and, well, they are technically your kid and you love them. But resist! If she thinks it's normal to never look a man in the face, she'll be throwing shade towards would-be suitors every time she enters a room.

Step 3: Flatulence Equals Abstinence – I suspect this lesson has already started naturally in your home, but if you haven't taught your daughter to pass gas on demand yet, get to it. It's never too early to learn to toot with authority. It's also never too early to gross out all her classmates, as hopefully it'll bring on some lifelong nickname like "Stinkbutt Stella" or "Windy Wendy" or "That's the girl that smells like shit."

Step 4: Mouth Full of Conversation – You know what's almost as bad as terrorism? When someone talks to me with a mouth full of food. So as your female mini-me begins to learn her ABCs, always have her do it while eating. It won't be long until she connects the dots, Pavlovian-style, and only speaks when she's chowing down, flinging pieces of hardboiled egg on any man within earshot.

Step 5: Dirtiness Is Next to Datelessness – This one might be intense but you really need to commit to poor hygiene full-time. To make sure she doesn't accidentally wash her hands or take a shower, it's probably a good idea to shut off all water in your home. I know that seems drastic but do you want some slimeball feeling up your little angel in the back of his Pontiac Grand Am GT complete with ghost flames and spinner rims, or would you rather her just smell like a sewer for 18 years? The choice is obvious.

Step 6: Style Her. Forever. – When it comes to fashion, I'm sure you think you're as hip as Kanye and as cool as Clooney. Well, you're not. And that lame "Gap checkered shirt with dirty white sneakers" look is the proof. But forget I told you that and just keep dressing your daughter like Six from Blossom. For the rest of her life.

Step 7: Accept Your Daughter's Fate and Teach Her Krav Maga – Unfortunately, for every shifty-eyed, dirty, shit-smelling, food-spitting, badly dressed girl, there's about twenty thousand guys who oddly think that's a big turn-on. So, just forget steps one through six. Love your daughter unconditionally and enroll her in the Isreali self-defense system Krav Maga. You'll find comfort in knowing your your daughter can squeeze the life out of any frisky zit-faced teen who forgets his manners for a few moments. Trust me, those manners will come racing back once a rear naked choke is correctly applied.

Oh, and don't think I forgot about the censor bar that hangs above Steve Harvey's speak hole. You want to know what's behind it? Nothing. Seriously, nothing. It's a wormhole to another galaxy that must be covered at all times or the entire universe will be sucked inside. And, for that, we say thank you, Mr. Harvey. You are a true American hero.

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