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9 Hilarious Metaphors That Totally Describe What It's Like to Have a Toddler

Photograph by Twenty20

I have a 2-year-old child and the experience is unlike anything I've ever experienced. Trying to explain this experience to another human who isn't insane is very difficult. How can I tell my friends that I need them to just talk to me on the phone for five minutes so I can regain my grip on reality, because I've been with my kid for two hours and I don't know what feelings are anymore?

Maybe you are in the position as well, which is why I've put together a list of metaphors that accurately describe what it is like to live with a 2-year-old. Please hand this list out to your friends at your child's birthday party.

1. Imagine you have the cutest, happiest puppy in the whole world. Now imagine that puppy also likes to chew your face off.

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2. It's a lot like doing drugs. You wake up covered in bruises and don't remember much from the night before except that someone might have been licking the carpet and you all ate mac and cheese. Except, unlike drugs, you get none of the street cred. In fact, parents get negative street cred. Also, kids are more expensive.

3. Imagine everything that you find delightful is together in a beautiful place. Now, imagine it all on fire. This is not actually a metaphor.

4. You know that super gross house all those guys lived in in college? Well, now that's your floor but you don't care anymore because you're so tired and, wait, is that a pretzel? You just ate it.

5. Picture the person you love most. Now imagine that person wants to kill you. Again, this is not actually a metaphor, it's just your reality now.

6. Having a 2-year-old is dressing up a feral cat and taking it out to dinner at a nice restaurant.

7. It's screaming sense into giant crickets, who you love and find adorable, but they just want to kick you and hop around.

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8. You know how when you go to the bar and you are the sober one, but everyone is so drunk you forget that normal human behavior doesn't actually include puking on the floor? It's that.

9. It's a malarial dream.

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