I have a 2-year-old child and the experience is unlike anything I've ever experienced. Trying to explain this experience
to another human who isn't insane is very difficult. How can I tell my friends
that I need them to just talk to me on the phone for five minutes so I can
regain my grip on reality, because I've been with my kid for two hours and I
don't know what feelings are anymore?
Maybe you are in the position as well,
which is why I've put together a list of metaphors that accurately describe
what it is like to live with a 2-year-old. Please hand this list out to your
friends at your child's birthday party.
1. Imagine you have the cutest, happiest puppy in the whole
world. Now imagine that puppy also likes to chew your face off.
2. It's a lot like doing drugs. You wake up
covered in bruises and don't remember much from the night before except that
someone might have been licking the carpet and you all ate mac and cheese. Except,
unlike drugs, you get none of the street cred. In fact, parents get negative
street cred. Also, kids are more expensive.
3. Imagine everything
that you find delightful is together in a beautiful place. Now, imagine it all
on fire. This is not actually a metaphor.
4. You know that
super gross house all those guys lived in in college? Well, now that's your
floor but you don't care anymore because you're so tired and, wait, is that a
pretzel? You just ate it.
5. Picture the person
you love most. Now imagine that person wants to kill you. Again, this is
not actually a metaphor, it's just your reality now.
6. Having a 2-year-old is dressing up a feral cat and taking it out to dinner at a
7. It's screaming sense into giant crickets, who you
love and find adorable, but they just want to kick you and hop around.