Unless you are wearing permanent earmuffs and two eye patches, living in a windowless log cabin deep in the Ozarks where there is no wifi or radio signal and have arrived in a time machine from the year 1976, you know about "Pokemon Go."
It has claimed your kids, your spouse, your friends, your friends' spouses, your colleagues and OK, maybe it has also gotten a hold of you. You either love it or hate it. And chances are, you are at least a little bit familiar with some of the many Pokemon, each possessing a unique set of skills and characteristics. Interestingly enough, if you look closely, you'll swear that many of the Pokemon may have been inspired by parenting.
The 5 a.m. Toddler Pokemon violently jolts its prey from deep, deep slumber and dreams of five-course, slowly eaten meals with immediate and relentless requests for elephant-shaped pancakes and infinite games of hide and seek. It has mastered the art of the surprise attack and has been known to make its victims cry.
Alakazam, aka Mom Trying to Feed Toddler
Intense and focused, this character's strength is fueled by pure "I just spent two hours making this!" emotion. This Pokemon is also able to use its double spoons to deflect flying broccoli florets and tomato-sauce-covered ziti.
Jigglypuff, aka Toddler Who Knows It's About to Be Bedtime
This toddler possesses a power to render anyone with blood running through their veins completely powerless, sometimes even making them engage in unfavorable activities such as Peppa Pig puppet shows and continually retrieving them water or a snack. They are masters of persuasion.
Golbat, aka Toddler When It's Really Time to Go to Bed
Beware! Not only does this character turn on you in a flash, but its stamina is always at full bars. And it will use all of its Charge Moves on you—moves that deplete its opponents' energy craftily and swiftly, namely, the "I'M THIRSTY!!!" "I'M SCARED!!!" and the most fierce, "I NEED TO POOP!!!"
Diglett, aka When Toddler's No. 2 Can't Wait
This Pokemon, also referred to as Turtle Head, only emerges at the most inopportune of times, usually in rush-hour traffic on the freeway or at a crowded public swimming pool without warning. It distracts its enemies with anxiety, draining their opponents while they desperately search for the portal into which they can dispose of this dark and sinister Pokemon and send him down the tunnels of excrement.
Ekans, aka Mom Protecting Her Kid
Mom Protecting Her Kid carries the anger of 1,000 shoppers in the checkout line behind a check writer. It strikes hard and will do whatever it takes to protect its young, even if that means getting arrested.
Butterfree, aka Mom Whose Babysitter Canceled on Her Last Minute
Mom Whose Babysitter Canceled on Her Last Minute has the ability to work through feelings of devastation when her babysitter cancels on her and, thus, destroys a night out with the girls downing margaritas and chips and salsa. This Pokemon is equipped with stellar coping mechanisms such as sneaking shots of whiskey behind the refrigerator door and eating her disappointment in chocolate-covered cinnamon bears.
Rattata, aka Hands Off My Chocolate
Extremely possessive, this character expends significant amounts of energy looking for places in which to hide its almonds and toffee Symphony bars and Cadbury Caramellos from its young.
Primeape, aka Toddler at a Restaurant
Toddler at a Restaurant has one objective: to quickly and dramatically transform the moods of those in its vicinity from pleasant to angry and really annoyed. It is keen at showing enthusiasm when ordering its meal, making you think it'll quietly enjoy the meal, but then it uses Flash Anger and refuses to eat more than two bites of that kid-friendly bolognese, which was surprisingly expensive for what it was.
Nidorina, aka When Your Husband Makes ANY Comment About Your Very Snug Jeans
This Pokemon can telepathically communicate horrible threats and insults to anyone who hasn't birthed a baby and has anything at all to say about its post-baby body. It has the ability to explode your head with its icy eye daggers.
Muk, aka Mom the Morning After Toddler Snuck Into Bed
This Pokemon can endure blunt force trauma inflicted by the feet and heels of small humans. It also possesses a unique ability to continue through the day somehow adequately caring for its young while crawling around in a state of blob-like half lucidity.
Lickitung, aka Toddler at a Birthday Party
This Pokemon has an ability to rapidly consume cake, cake pops, cookies, juice boxes or any crumbs or versions thereof that may be present at a birthday party. Its mouth stays open, tongue out, with its little paws on the ready to snatch whatever sweet morsel moves its way. With no gauge to indicate that it has had enough sugar, and only becoming more voracious with every treat ingested, it can eat itself into a cupcake- and marshmallow-induced coma.
Gloom, aka Mom Before Coffee
Mom Before Coffee is weak, shattered even. Her brain activity is cloudy and her senses numb. It is unable to communicate fully, if at all, often opting to drool profusely instead. This Pokemon is vulnerable, hates everything and is one of the more pathetic Pokemon.
Vileplume, aka Mom After Coffee
Mom After Coffee is in a state of euphoria and at its highest state of focus. It is invincible and ready to take on any foe. It may even have the motivation to put on something other than yoga pants, like palazzo pants and maybe a fancy hat (see above) to face the day.
Hitmonlee, aka Toddler Sleeping in Your Bed With You
In its sleep, it can kick with the force of a dozen angry donkeys, and almost always subconsciously aims at your head or neck region in the middle of the night, just to show you who's boss. It gets its power from its parents' inability to resist sharing their bed with it.
Arcanine, aka Mom Who Hasn't Waxed in ... A Long Time
This Pokemon was once an always silky smooth, well-groomed specimen, until it reproduced. Now, its hair grows at an alarming speed. It has much more pressing and important matters to tend to, and though it wouldn't mind a Brazilian when the opportunity arises, it presses on, cloaked in a natural hair sweater. And somehow the new, au natural look gives it strength and power. This character has a NO F**** GIVEN attitude.
Pidgey, AKA Toddler Who Won't Stop Asking Questions
This toddler wears down its prey with "but why?" questions all day long. It does not relent until it receives an answer that it deems acceptable, at which point it moves on to the next "but why" torture session.
Exeggutor, aka First Time Toddler Tastes Candy
This Pokemon is in a state of pure bliss and intoxication, which precedes a bout of wild and uncontrollable activity that's typically likened to a tropical typhoon Level 7.
Metapod, aka 3 Months Pregnant Pokemom
The 3-Months Pregnant Pokemom projectile vomits on anyone. Sensitive to light, this character is rarely seen outside of its home, which is the area surrounding the toilet. Ginger gives it strength.
Tentacruel, aka New Mom's Hooha
This Pokemon uses its menacing looks and frighteningly thick tentacles to ward off the slightest of partner advances or even a glance its way and to send a clear message that "if you think you're going there in the next three months, amidst the post-birth trauma, mastitis, severe sleep deprivation, constant spit up marked clothing, and hormones, you're a real dumbass."
Koffing, aka Toddler After Too Many Nori Snacks
This Pokemon fuels itself with pack after pack of those salty, crispy dried sheets of seaweed only to release plumes of poisonous fumes for the next several hours as it stands next to you in the kitchen while you're trying to chop vegetables.
Gimer, aka Toddler Around Windows That Have Just Been Cleaned
This Pokemon secretes a sticky, unidentifiable substance from its fingertips at all times. It is able to leave its sludgy smears and marks on anything with a surface. Its best work is left on items and structures such as windows and Grandma's antique Lladró figurines that are gleaming and have just been cleaned. It's always at the ready to leave a plethora of fingerprints all over everything in sight.
Abra, aka Toddler After a Playdate
This otherwise fierce warrior can suddenly fall into a slumber in any location or position and continue to sleep for upwards of 16 hours. Sometimes it doesn't even stir for dinner. This is a very popular Pokemon.
Nidoran, aka When Toddler Secretly Listens in on Your Adult Convos
This crafty little Pokemon has maximum ability to listen in on your convos with your girlfriend wherein you (very stealthily, or so you thought) recall that "one time in college...," and then she tells it to everyone at school to embarrass you and prevent you from ever showing your face in pre-school drop off ever again.
Jynx, aka When You Try on Your Pre-Child Clothes
Cloaked in unrealistic expectations and pipe dreams, this Pokemon occasionally gets sidetracked in longing for days before the stretch marks and the jabba jiggle and tries to fit into that size 2 silk slip dress she used to wear back in college. It is then rendered powerless, as it can't move its limbs and nearly dislocates a shoulder trying to get the dress off.
Drowzee, aka Toddler After Dentist
This Pokemon is wonderful subject matter for a viral video post.