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7 Things I Want to Say to Strangers During My Child's Public Meltdown

Photograph by Twenty20

Kids will meltdown and it will always happens at the worst moment, like when they're meeting someone very important to you, or in public among a large crowd. I'm pretty certain that children time these tantrums appropriately to humiliate us to the largest possible degree.

And truthfully, it's not your family or friends that care about their behavior so much—it's total strangers who love to judge you for for every imperfect moment your child has to prove you're a big fat failure as a mother.

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Here are some things I would love to say to strangers as they burn holes into my soul, wishing me into dirt, for all of the bad things my kid has done in public:

1. "She's just like her [insert other family member name here]"

When my daughter is having a "moment," I would love to blame it on another family member, simply to relieve myself of those nasty beady stranger eyes, and also to jolt some nonsense into that nosy stranger!

Like, "Oh yeah lady, well she gets this awful habit from her INSERT FAMILY MEMBER NAME HERE—but definitely not me," and then go on to pick my nose right in front of her.

Charming, right?

2. "If you think you can do a better job, here, she's yours."

When strangers be looking at you and your kid like you're both spawns of Satan, I would love to tell them to try to beat my parenting game.

Let those fools try to offer me advice at that moment!

3. "She only eats GMO products and sugar all day."

When my daughter is being whiny or, let's face it, fresh, and strangers get to "capture" this joyous moment of motherhood while giving me that "Clearly lady, you don't know what the heck you're doing with your kid" look, I have the urge to share yell out, "It's all because I onnly feed her sugar and GMO products. We McDonald's every day for dinner too, and alwasy finish with a Krispy Kreme donut for dessert. I can't say no to some treats, can I?"

And walk away Mother of the Year with my cranky child, leaving the strangers in the lurch.

I want to scream, "I like my kid to be cold because I'm a terrible mom," and then take their hat, coat or gloves for her!

4. "She learned it on YouTube."

When in doubt, let the public think she learned these behaviors from the internet, and not her parents! When some stranger adds her two cents about how my kid should be doing X, Y and Z and me as the horrible mother should be doing X, Y and Z, I would love to smile and say, "She used to be a good child, but then someone taught her how to go on YouTube. Now she's become atrocious. Got any good YouTube videos you think she might like to watch?"

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5. "She's cold because Mommy wants her to be."

When strangers like to comment that my kid doesn't have on a coat, hat or gloves and I want to scream because my kid didn't want to wear a coat, hat or gloves and by the time I asked, begged and threatened I figured, "Let her learn the hard way it's no fun to be cold," I want to scream, "I like my kid to be cold because I'm a terrible mom," and then take their hat, coat or gloves for her!

6. "She's not getting candy and you can just shove it!"

When I decide to say "No" to candy, and some stranger advises me to give my daughter candy anyway, I want to tell the stranger to simply SHOVE IT!

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