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13 Scientific Laws of Parenthood: Toddler Edition

Photograph by Twenty20

1. A mother’s energy will always run out before a toddler’s energy. Conversely, a toddler’s patience will always run out before his mother’s.

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2. A tomato-based sauce’s gravitational pull increases around white or beige surfaces.

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3. A toddler’s head is always the exact height of the coffee table. And the corner. And the fridge door. Always.

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4. A child’s potty schedule is entirely determined by the amount of diapers a mother has in her bag. The fewer the diapers, the more often the child has to go.

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5. The probability of running out of milk doubles the moment the local grocery store closes.

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6. The likelihood of you spilling your pumped milk increases the closer you get to filling the whole bottle.

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7. The force of a child’s cuddle is directly proportional to the amount of trouble they just got into and are trying to hide.

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8. The force of a baby's spit up is positively correlated to the distance of the mother, the cost of her shirt, and negatively correlated to the mother’s most recent shower.

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9. When jumping on their fathers, the child will always crash into a bone. Yet when the child is climbing on their mother, their foot will always penetrate a soft organ.

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10. All children are magnetically attracted to exhaustion, until after puberty, when they begin to feed off of it.

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11. Toddler feet and butts are magnetically attracted to a mother's face. This magnetic force increases when the mother is sleeping.

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12. A diaper’s absorbency is not related to the amount of pee in it, but the level of exhaustion of the parent who has to get up at night to change it.

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13. The loudness of a baby's cry is always negatively correlated to the thinness of a mother's nerves.

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