1. A mother’s energy will always run out before
a toddler’s energy. Conversely, a toddler’s patience will always run out before
2. A tomato-based sauce’s gravitational pull
increases around white or beige surfaces.
3. A toddler’s head is always the exact height
of the coffee table. And the corner. And the fridge door. Always.
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4. A child’s potty schedule is entirely
determined by the amount of diapers a mother has in her bag. The fewer the diapers,
the more often the child has to go.
5. The probability of running out of milk
doubles the moment the local grocery store closes.
6. The likelihood of you spilling your pumped
milk increases the closer you get to filling the whole bottle.
7. The force of a child’s cuddle is directly proportional to
the amount of trouble they just got into and are trying to hide.
8. The force of a baby's
spit up is positively correlated to the distance of the mother, the cost of her
shirt, and negatively correlated to the mother’s most recent shower.
9. When jumping on their fathers, the child will always crash into
a bone. Yet when the child is climbing on their mother, their foot will
always penetrate a soft organ.
10. All children are magnetically attracted to exhaustion, until
after puberty, when they begin to feed off of it.
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11. Toddler feet and butts are magnetically attracted to a mother's
face. This magnetic force increases when the mother is sleeping.
12. A diaper’s absorbency is not related to the amount of pee in it,
but the level of exhaustion of the parent who has to get up at night to change
13. The loudness of a baby's cry is always negatively correlated to the thinness of
a mother's nerves.
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