Ahh, the perfect mom. You
know the one. With the freshly cut hair and flawless makeup, who has perfect
little angel kids who listen to everything she says and never fuss. The one who
always looks like she has her shit together. Yes, that one. Guess what? You can
be like her! Just follow these simple steps…
1. Never get angry.
Because you are a mom now and thus should not feel feelings.
2. Take care of
yourself. Without taking any time away from your children. It's easy!
3. Exercise at
least 7 1/2 days a week. You may need to lose sleep for this. That's OK,
you're a mom. You no longer require sleep.
4. Never allow your
child to eat sugar. No sugar of any kind. Candy is the devil’s food. And don’t
even think about ever ordering fast food. It is POISON. Also, make sure your
children are perfectly OK with this.
5. Always smile.
Always be fun. Always look like you’re ready to have your picture taken at any
6. Volunteer for
everything. Chaperone all of the field trips. Drive all of the kids home from
school. Bring the snacks to the soccer game and be the den mother in Scouts.
7. Never say “No.” Ever. And also never discipline. Remember, your children are perfect angels already. No need to raise your voice unnecessarily.
8. Always have a snack
ready for your kids whenever they want one. Just make sure it’s an organic/vegan/raw/whole
snack with no GMOs, of course.
9. Clean the house
every day. Make sure it’s spotless at all times. Always be prepared for Oprah
to walk through that door.
Run the PTA, because you've got all the time in the world.
10. Never turn down
sex. If your husband is ready but you are soooo not in the mood, doesn’t
matter. Do it anyway.
11. Only buy organic,
grass-fed, raw, whole, farm-raised, vegan groceries.
13. Make sure your car is always perfectly clean. That minivan must not look like it chauffeurs small humans around every day!
14. On that note, there must be absolutely no eating in the car. Under any circumstances.
15. Run the PTA, because you've got all the time in the world.
Oh, and in case you were wondering, the flawless perfect mom
who makes all organic meals and never has a hair out of place? She doesn’t
exist. But you do. And you’re doing a damn good job. Keep on keeping on, Mom.