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The 10 Phases of Sex After Kids

Photograph by Twenty20

The husband and I just crossed what he refers to as a sexual milestone.

While I’m certainly one of those moms who enjoys private time with my guy, I don’t enjoy that private time when there’s a looming threat that we’ll be interrupted by one of our children. When it comes to sex, I want to know the kids are sound asleep. But the other day, knowing the kids were on the other side of the house deeply ensconced in their iPads, the husband and I got busy.

“You never would have done that a year ago,” he said grinning afterward.

He’s right. I wouldn’t have.

That’s because post-kids sex has stages. There are phases to getting busy that are totally reliant on how good Mom feels about herself, how tired Mom and Dad are from being relentlessly woken up by their children, and how likely they're going to get interrupted and have to explain exactly why they’re doing what they’re doing.

RELATED: The Hard Work of Staying Married After Kids

There’s a rumor that once you have kids, you don’t have sex. That’s simply not true. It's just there’s a time, place, and phase for getting it on after you’ve had kids.

You’ll probably recognize yourself in all of these. I know I did:

The O.B. Gave The Go-Ahead.

It’s six weeks postpartum and your O.B. just did something awful. She gave you the go ahead to have post-baby sex. The problem is, you haven’t slept, showered, or done much of anything besides feed that baby in six weeks. But, you’ll feel an obligation. After all, the hubs has had this day marked on his calendar since you had the baby.

Honey, You Can’t Drink My Breast Milk

We moms may find our lactating boobs and postpartum belly anything but sexy, but there’s a guy sleeping next to you who can’t get enough. There’s a point where you’ll realize he’s right. Your I-just- birthed-a-baby bod is sexy. And no hon, you can’t sample my breast milk.

There’s a moment in every mom’s life where she realizes sex isn’t an obligation, there’s something in it for her, too.

The Baby’s Napping Sex

When you finally do get back in the groove, you’ll realize the baby’s nap is the perfect time for sex. You’re not too tired yet and most nap times are still pretty predictable so you can avoid the dreaded baby-just-woke-up interruption.

The Baby’s Awake, But Happy

As your baby gets older and a little more independent, you’ll get more comfortable with the baby being awake but not in the same room as you. So maybe the little one wakes up in his crib while you and the partner are still getting busy, but you won’t mind it so much knowing the baby is safe, happy and quiet.

Wait, I Want It Too

Married people sex gets a bad rap with it seeming like men want it and women don’t. The truth is, women want sex just as much as men. We may not always prioritize it, but we want it. There’s a moment in every mom’s life where she realizes sex isn’t an obligation, there’s something in it for her, too.

The Babysitter’s Downstairs

The babysitter arrived on time, check. You have a few minutes to kill before your Uber arrives, check. Your partner says, “Let’s do it,” check. You say, “Why not? The babysitter’s downstairs and the kids with her.” Check.

The First Time Away Without The Kids

What you’ll really want to do on your first long weekend or overnight with the kids, is sleep in and not do anyone’s laundry. But pretty quickly into your time away from your little ones, you’ll realize how nice it is to have sex without a schedule, interruptions, or exhaustion spoiling the mood.

Pre-Dawn Sex

There’s no better time to have sex than before the kids wake-up. It’s a great way to start your day and it’s not keeping you from sleep or the million other things you need to be doing.

RELATED: What It Looks Like When Your Child Needs You to Fall Asleep

The Kids Are Watching TV

The kids are in the living room watching a movie. We all know it’s impossible to distract a child watching a movie. That means there’s little or no chance you’re going to be interrupted hitting it. So make sure they’ve got snacks and a lot of time left on the movie, shut the door to your room, and have some fun.

We Just Got A Lock On Our Door

The last phase of sex once you’re a mom is when you finally realize you need a lock on the door. Even if the kids have never walked in on you in a compromising position, the threat of that intrusion can be a serious libido buzz kill. So once your kids are old enough to be slightly self-sufficient, that little lock will be a sexual life preserver.

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