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This Is Why Moms Can't Talk On the Phone

Photograph by Getty Images

I used to gab on the phone like it was my job back in my high school and college days. In fact, each summer when I would come home from my college break, I would spend so much time chatting long-distance with my bestie, I had to fork over half of the paycheck to pay for the phone bill I had racked up.

When I gave birth for the first time, almost 14 years ago, texting was around, but it wasn't as prevalent as it was today. I remember I was constantly turning my phone off. I didn't know what was going on with me, but I think my gift of gab got pushed out with my child—it had completely disappeared. The desire to sit and talk while snacking, flipping through a magazine and dusting my baseboards was gone. And I think I know why:

Having another human to care for and keep alive takes everything out of you.

You literally have nothing left.

Most moms I know simply can not focus on talking to another person while their kids are around. It doesn't seem to matter if they have one or 20, it feels impossible.

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I couldn't concentrate on holding and feeding my baby while trying to carry on a conversation. I never knew when he would get hungry again, fill his diaper or wake up from his nap. If he was asleep that was my time to get stuff done or try to get some rest myself.

Gabbing about skin care products, weekend plans or the latest gossip quickly went to the bottom of my priority list. I craved nothing more than to zone out in my own world. I'm sure there were times I wouldn't have been able to put a full sentence together anyway.

As babies turn into toddlers, it becomes even more ridiculous to think you can make a phone call, even a quick one, without something going terribly wrong. The one time I tried, my two-year-old toddled into the bathroom and locked himself in. Who the hell did I think I was discussing what happened to my insides when I ate too much quinoa with my best friend instead of following him around?

I realize some think it's sad and we're trading investing into real relationships and having real conversation for a text instead of a call, but the way I see it, everyone is happier this way.

Not only that, when moms can muster up the time to have a quickie and listen to the sound of someone else's voice (it sounds so extravagant, doesn't it?) you most likely reach for your phone, see it needs to be charged, grab your charger, then realize the junk drawer which holds your charger is a mess and you have exactly five minutes to clean it out since your child is knee-deep in a bin of Legos. By the time all of that goes through your brain, you completely forget about calling and talking to another human being, but wow, look at that junk drawer!

When all the kiddos are down for the night, you should probably spend some time with your partner before the two of you fall into a drool-worthy sleep. You both it's only a matter of time before someone is going to wake up and need you to find their florescent orange socks because they literally can not sleep without them. Spending the few hours being alone at night should probably be spent together, right?

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I realize some think it's sad and we're trading investing into real relationships and having real conversation for a text instead of a call, but the way I see it, everyone is happier this way.

You can get your point across, tell someone you are thinking of them, or ask your husband to please bring home some milk and something that contains alcohol without having to actually speak to anyone or worry they're going to hear the toilet flush because, let's face it, you can get a shit-ton of communicating done when you are in the bathroom by texting instead of calling.

So the next time you think it might be a good idea to call a mom and talk to her, just send a warning text first. Just be prepared for her to respond with, "Haha, sure, how about in five years?"

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