Babies supposedly become toddlers at one year, but that's nonsense if you ask me. At 12 months, my daughter was still crawling, babbling and mostly bald. That’s a baby, right?
Also, she was super easy-going back then—open-minded towards whatever books, meals or plans I presented. Mommy could do no wrong, which means Mommy still had a baby.
Becoming a toddler is a gradual process, and you may not realize it has happened until a copy of "Goodnight Moon" is flying at your face. So how do you know for sure whether your baby has become a toddler? Take this quiz and find out!
1. You’re in an elevator. Does your child need to push all the buttons, including the big red emergency help button, requiring you to assure an unseen voice that you’re not in any danger other than dying of embarrassment?
2. You’re in the car. If you attempt to listen to your favorite morning radio show, the alternative rock station or news and weather, does a DJ you never hired shout “No! Change it! Don’t like it!” and demand the "Moana" soundtrack?
3. You’re anywhere in the world. Is your offspring naked for no good reason?
4. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much trouble would you be in if you pre-cut the breakfast waffle when your child wanted it to be “ONE PIECE!”... despite said child indicating the exact opposite 30 seconds ago?
5. You’re in the bathroom. Is there a small head wedged between your bum and the toilet seat, trying to get a good look at the action?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how badly will your kid lose their shit if you try to take their shoes off because, "I DO MYSELF!!!”
6. You’re singing. Is your child screaming at you to stop?
7. On a scale of 1 to 10, how badly will your kid lose their shit if you try to take their shoes off because, "I DO MYSELF!!!”
8. You’re at a restaurant that serves food. Is your purse filled to capacity with emergency snacks anyway?
9. You’re on the phone. Is someone screaming “Mommy!!” like it’s their job?
10. You’re in the kitchen. Could you easily make a full meal out of the food that's been thrown on the floor and/or smeared on your child's hair, face and body? (Bonus: Have you attempted this?)
11. On a scale of 1 to one zillion, how many times are you summoned into your child’s room after bedtime to provide drinks of water, rearrange stuffed animals, or administer monster spray?
12. You’re at Target. Has your little one told a perfect stranger that Mommy has a vagina yet?
Now go back and count up all your answers, giving 3 points for each "Yes." Okay, that was a trick. A toddler would never let you finish reading a blog post, take a quiz or do any kind of math.
Welcome to the dark side, toddler mom. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.